Don't Follow Your Dreams

People who tell you to follow your dreams should have some kind of disclaimer. "You might fuck up your life and not even achieve your dream" or "You might find out that your dream kinda sucks, a little too late," or "Single moms need not apply."

I had a dream. I had a dream that I might be a social worker and get out of science. Well, let me tell you, I did get out of science. I'm no social worker, though. Nope. I do nothing. Except search desperately for a job.

You know, this goes back to me feeling like I'm always doing things the right way yet they never work out for me. School, then marriage, then children. Yeah, that didn't really work out so well. Now it was: take night classes online while working full-time. Check. Pretty hard and my child hated it, but I did it. Next was to do an internship. I fought for the internship and finally, after 6 months, I secured one. I tried to make it work for a month. My job made it very difficult for me and I could not do both. I quit the internship and when I asked for my normal shift back, they said no. So I had to quit. And, because I dropped the internship, I now owe the school $3000, which I need to pay in order to begin there again.

So I have nothing. No job. No school. No way to get into a new school because with an outstanding bill I do not have access to my transcripts. Oh, and because I cannot get a transcript, I cannot use my schooling to get a new job (government jobs, at least, require proof.)

In short, don't follow your dreams. I was told by many many people to just do it. It'll work out. "How will I do an internship, though?" Don't worry, they said, you don't know what your circumstances will be then. Nope, I had no idea that the circumstances were the exact fucking same and I wouldn't be able to do it. It did not work itself out. It fucked up everything. What am I supposed to do now? Where is all of the good advice now?

Happy?

There's been a few changes around here. I went from full-time to part-time and started an internship at a homeless shelter. My work made it extremely difficult to have a part-time schedule so I had to quit the internship. I asked to be returned to full-time and they said that they could not do that, so I quit.

So today begins Day 3 unemployed. So far I am absolutely loving it. I'm relaxed. I have more energy and patience for my son. I have more time to walk my dog. I have time to hang out with my wonderful boyfriend. I have been reading. I have been letterboxing. I am scheduled to volunteer at Ryder's school. I've been drinking those great new Arnold Palmer Coolattas (Dunkies, if you want to send me some of them to review I will be happy to!) I thought I would be bored, but this is not the case at all. There are a ton of more things I want to do.

I have applied for a job or two. I feel like I should knock on wood because I do not want to be unemployed forever. But, seriously, I'm really digging it.

This might be happy. I'm not sure because it is not a feeling I am really too familiar with, but maybe.

Best laid plans of mice and men

You know, no matter what your plans are, it doesn't matter. No matter how good your intentions, it doesn't matter. No matter how thoughtful and thorough and detailed, it doesn't matter.

I did everything like I was supposed to do. I picked a vocation young (zookeeper) and stuck with it. Took the necessary courses in high school, graduated top of my class, got into the university of my choice. Did well in college. Maybe partied a bit much, but still graduated with a better than 3.0 GPA. I met my love while in school. We worked and saved and moved to Colorado. We got married. Then shit happened.

Fast forward through the shit that was not supposed to happen.

I finally get my dream job of being a zookeeper I worked so hard to get. I hated it. I quit after the summer was over.

We get back together. We live in a really nice place and we are bringing in enough money to be content. So we decide to have a child. I got pregnant right away and had a perfect little boy. Then shit happened.

Fast forward through the shit that was not supposed to happen.

I am a single mom. I am an only parent. I do not receive child support. I have a job that I never wanted.

I find a school program that I am interested in. And it is online, so I can do my course work while my son is sleeping. Perfect.

Then shit happened.

We can't fast forward through this shit, though, because it is currently happening.

I did it all right. I went to college, I did well in school, I got engaged and then married and then a decent income and then, and only then, a child. That is the right order. Married and then child. I was told if I worked hard and did what I was supposed to do, everything would work out. You know what? Good grades and good jobs and having a child within wedlock and continuing with school, that shit means nothing. It doesn't matter.

I had a plan. And this is not it.

Crush

I am a blusher. Bad. Even the smallest thing makes me blush. It is quite embarrassing sometimes. It is nowhere as bad as it was when I was younger, but I still blush. Sometimes it is just the completely wrong situation for blushing. I can't help it though.

I loved math class. Not because of the math, no, that sucked. Because John was in math class. John was a year older than us, but in our advanced math class. I'm still not sure how that worked out, but who am I to complain? He was a soccer player and a track athlete and I really liked him.

Because it was an advanced math class, it was the same students in the same level of math every year, so every year, for three glorious years, John was in my math class. One year, I sat next to him and was his math partner, whatever that meant.

So, because of this huge crush, I knew that every time I went into math class I was blushing. I could feel it. I went into the bathroom one day and my face was super red. I almost refused to go back to class. But I couldn't leave my math partner to derive on his own.

Currently

Reading: Using Statistical Methods in Social Science Research and, yes, it is as exciting as it sounds. I haven't read for fun in 7 months and I do not think I will be again for a very long time. School takes up so much time and energy. I feel like I am always doing school work. This course is the hardest and only 5 more weeks of it.

Listening to: I love the new Ben Folds song You Don't Know Me. I made it my ringtone :)




Thinking about: My mom. She had an "inoperable" tumor removed last week. I am so happy. Hopefully this can be a new beginning for her.

Watching: Desperate Housewives season 8. I love that show. There are others that I would like to try, Walking Dead being one of them, but I have to finish Desperate Housewives first. I just gotta.

Bummed out on: The world. Seriously, seems like nothing good is happening in the world. Death, destruction, keeping people down, stereotypes, natural disasters. For a while I stopped reading the news because it got me down so badly. Maybe I should stop reading it again for a while. That won't stop it, though. There is facebook and twitter. It is just depressing, is all.

Loving: Summer. This summer has been great so far. Went camping, met new people, hung out with my family, saw some friends that I don't see often enough, have gotten a lot of time with Ryder, my mom's surgery... Life is pretty good. (Then why am I so down all the time?)



"Currently". A simple list of things you're currently feeling as seen at Sometimes Sweet.

In Which the Teach is a Bitch

School always caused this great dichotomy:  I hated school, but I was really good at it.  I always had panic attacks when I didn't understand something, which may have led to the hating bit.  But I always took the honors classes, I scored 790 on my math, I was in the top 5%, I dropped calculus because it was dumb.  I preferred the band room, though I was no good at that.

Senior year came around, and I, like many of my other classmates, started the slide into home.  The only real thing I had to accomplish that semester, besides finding a college, was to pass senior English.  No problem, right?

Enter Mrs. Lambert.  All the girls loooovvveeeddd her.  She would giggle with the giggly girls and share make-up tips.  Teacher's pets doesn't even begin to describe this disgusting atrocity.  Anyways, clearly I was not included in this group.  I wasn't a girly-girl.  I didn't even like most girls.  Even most of my girl friends I wasn't terribly fond of.

I started doing very poorly in the class.  I started getting failing marks on my papers.  I could not fail that class.  I needed that class.  I tried and tried and I wasn't doing any better.  One fateful day I decided that I had to stay after class and ask teach exactly what I was doing wrong and how I could fix it.

I believe the girly-girls were still there.  I went up to her desk with my paper in hand and asked what I did wrong and how I can do better next time.

"You are a smart girl, you can figure it out."

"Obviously I cannot figure it out.  I keep getting bad grades, could you just help me out?"

"No, you are smart, just figure it out yourself."

This exchange carried on for what seemed like millenia.  It was probably only a few minutes.  It ended when I started crying.  I grabbed my things, heard the girly whispering, and ran to the bathroom and cried.  I don't like to ask for help.  I like figuring things out for myself, but sometimes I do need help and when I asked for that help I could not get it.

Mrs. Lambert disappointed me.

I did end up passing the class, but barely.

Public Service Announcement

When in doubt, shut your mouth.

There seems to be an increasing number of stupid things being said to people who are upset. Are you guilty of any of these offenses?

Often times you come upon a coworker, a friend, or a family member who is obviously upset. Perhaps you do not know what has caused this. Perhaps you do. Either way you do not know what to say. Let me tell you right now: When in doubt, shut your mouth.

Lets look at some examples.

 You come upon a friend and they are clearly upset. They feel as though every step in life they take forward, they are pushed back two. They feel as though they are not getting anywhere, like they are trapped. What do you do?

Correct answer: Put your hand on their shoulder and tell them that things WILL get better. Perhaps talk about some future plans that she can look forward to.

Wrong answer: Say "Well, that is how life is. My whole life has been like that. You just gotta get used to it." This will only increase the feelings of hopelessness.

Your coworker is upset because they are stressing out about working with the public school systems.

Correct answer:  Put your hand on their shoulder.  Perhaps a small squeeze.  If you must say something, say "I understand and I know you will get through it."

Wrong answer:  Say "And this is only the begining!"

Someone comes to you for help.  They have tried their hardest, but still cannot solve the problem.

Correct answer:  Say "Come sit down.  We will work through this together."

Wrong answer:  Say "You are a smart girl, you can figure it out."

In conclusion:  When in doubt, close your mouth!

My Mom Says the Wrong Thing..... Again

My parents are good parents. They raised four children, most all of us good people. They try to be supportive. Sometimes they say the very wrong things.

I had finally felt ahead. I had some money in the bank and enough to go out to dinner once in a while. Then, the car shit the bed. I was so upset. I worked so hard to get into this position just for it to be taken away by the damn car.

I called my dad and explained how frustrated I felt to go one step forward then pushed two steps back. "That's how life is," he shrugged. "It's been happening to me all my life." I got this sinking feeling. And the unmistakable feeling of losing hope. Why bother? If I am just going to be shot down every single time, why bother trying to get ahead? What the fuck is the point of any of it?

I told my dad later that what he said really made me lose all hope. "That is just how my life is," he said, "I am sure that yours will be different." I was not convinced.

I had bounced a check. Eventually I figured out that I had made a math error six months ago, and it wasn't a problem until now. I was freaking out. The check was paid, it was only $35 fee, I got paid the next day and everything was okay. But I was having a panic attack.

I called my mom. All I wanted was someone to say that it wasn't a big deal. That it was going to be alright. "Holy shit!" exclaimed my mom. "You need to find out why this happened and make sure it NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN! Next time it could be worse. WAY WORSE!" Needless to say this did not help calm my panicking. She was telling me why all the ways I organize my finances were wrong and how they all had to be changed. Right. Now.

Later I told her that she made my panic attack worse. She did not understand. She said, "You called me with a problem and I tried to help you solve it."

Today Ryder had some evaluations at the school. They asked me all of the normal questions, but I didn't know the answers to all of them. "When was his tubes put in his ears?" Uhhh... 11 months? "How many other children are in day care?" Uhhhh... between two and seven? "He sounds congested, has he had a cold?" Uhhhh... no? "Does he know his colors?" Uhhh.... I don't know.

I felt like a shitty mom. Shouldn't I know all the answers to these questions? So I called my mom. "Well, most people do know the answers to all of those questions. Most people know what age the child achieved all his milestones." I told her right away that that doesn't help at all. "Whatever," she replied.

I don't know why I keep going to them for comfort.

Rich Parents

In the Salem Gazette today there was a story about a preschool that is closing. It is the preschool at the House of Seven Gables. Now, there are only 20 children at this school and they mentioned how they are not from low class families. It is crappy that the school has to close, but the school people found other preschools in the area that are available and the YMCA has even decided to add another class to their schedule for these children. The parents are pissed. They are upset because they were not told the moment that the school decided to close. They are mad that the school found a list of schools before they told them. One parent said that there are openings in other schools in the city but it is hard to find a school that is small and close-knit that offers both half day and full day classes within the city.

Now, you must excuse me if I have zero sympathy for these people. Yes, it totally blows that the school that your child attends is forced to close. But, this school went out of its way to find openings and even got a whole other class opened for you. How angry would these parents be if they were not given this list? If they were just told "Good luck on your search"? And it is painfully obvious that the YMCA is not good enough for some people. Its not "close-knit" enough for them. I am thankful for my daycare. I wish I had the resources to send my son to a small, close-knit preschool, but its not in the cards. These people should be thankful for what they have.