Fragile

I should probably start this with a **TRIGGER WARNING** I talk about depression, anxiety, murder. Maybe no one should read this.

This time of year gets difficult for me. The holidays stress me out. The darkness depresses me. The coldness makes me want to retreat to my bed.

I've been worrying A LOT about things that haven't happened and, most likely, never will happen. But, god, life is so fucking fragile. One moment everything is fine and the next moment... Well, who knows? It really upsets me when I think of all the things that could go wrong at any moment. The smallest incident could have disastrous results.

If the car pulled a little too much to the left...

If someone nudged me on the train platform...

If someone broke into my apartment...

If the pharmacy mislabeled my drugs...

If one of us just stopped breathing...

There is nothing I can do about these things. Shit happens. But that's what worries me: shit does happen. All the time. Everything is going along just fine then some 14 year old kills you with a box cutter. Just like that. Just. Like. That. People always say that things don't always happen to someone else. That is a myth you tell yourself. Maybe it is the only way to go on. Because worrying that these things will happen to me is killing me. How do you get out of bed every day if you think "Shit. All of these awful things might happen to me today." You don't.

Remembering Jana

I had never met Jana.  To be honest (because that is my forte), I probably would never had known her name, had it not been for Facebook (thank you Harvard overachievers.)  I have an extremely close immediate family, but due to fucked up family dynamics, we are not as close to extended family.

My cousin met the love of his life online.  This, of course, was source of many rumors within my family.  Rumors that I was too young/naive/self-absorbed to question.  Rumors, that I did not learn until hooking up with them on Facebook, that were slightly hugely embellished.  My extended family can be jerks.


The few things I learned about my cousin and his wife I learned about via the internet.  Chatting back and forth and such.  They lived in Florida and were madly in love.  If there is one thing that I will remember about Jana is that she loved Nick deeply.  You would've thought they were newly weds cause all the cutesy things they would post.  They both love games.  They both are the type that post every single achievement.  It was annoying, but now I will miss it.

I am deeply saddened by this loss.  She was a good woman.  She was a young woman.  Her time with Nick was too short, yet I hope that he remembers every good moment and is able to hang on to them.

This has reminded me that life is short.  Sometimes, you don't even realize how precious time can be.  Although I do not choose to be depressed, there is no time for that.  It is important to tell those that you love that you love them daily.  I do not mean to be cliche, but there it is.  It has also reminded me to keep in touch with those you love.  It makes me incredibly sad that I never had the pleasure of meeting Jana.  I am sad that I was never invited to Cousin in Italy's party and did not meet his wife and children.  I am incredibly sad about how much my Grandmother is a bitch.  (Not for just the party, for other reasons that I will not go into here.) 

I hope that no matter what happens, my cousin knows that I am here for him.  I am a good listener.  Maybe someday soon I will be able to visit him, because life is short.  There is no time for idleness.

Sometimes I Wish I Believed in God

Sometimes I wish I believed in God.  I have mentioned this before.  Sometimes I wish I believed that when a person died, they went to heaven.  I wish I believed that their loved ones who passed before them would meet them at St. Peter's Gate.  It would be comforting to think that they are some place happy.  Not just gone.

I also wished I believed that I would see them again.  That they would be waiting at the Gates when it was my time to return home.  Wouldn't it make grieving and death easier?  Believing that it was not Good bye, but See you soon.

People with faith must have it easier.  Not that I am suggesting that it is easy for anyone to lose a loved one.

And what do I say to the widower?  I'll pray for her?  Nope, can't say that.  You are in our thoughts and prayers.  Nope, that either.

But you know what?  I don't believe in God.  I believe that God is a concoction made up by people who did not understand something.  We are so evolved as a species, that if there is anything in the world that we don't understand (life/death) then it must be because of a higher power.  Couldn't be that we just do not understand it.  I think that is a little self-righteous. 

I live my life believing facts and deriving information and theories from facts.  It is a fact that people die.  At work, I get through by knowing that animals die.  That is how it is.  Animals die.  People die.  Children grow.  Time passes.  Parents die.  Pets die.  People die.  Maybe it is better, at least for me, to remember and come to accept those facts.  It is hard, but everything in life is.

This Blog is in Mourning

  Angel of Grief

My cousin's wife died yesterday, suddenly and unexpectedly.  I had never met her, but became friends over facebook.  I had posts that I wanted to put up, but can't.  Nothing is right.  So my blog is in mourning.