S.A.D.

Among my other diagnoses, I am afflicted by seasonal affective disorder (S.A.D.). As if the others weren't enough. That link brings you to the Mayo site and it has some good information. This basically means that winter and the holidays cause depression within me. It is coming on strong.

My birthday is this week and that really begins the horribleness. It is the first day of December and, of course, December reminds me of the horrible holiday season. Along with this, my birthday always fucking sucks. Surprise parties that I begged not to have, broken promises, being alone, restraining orders, crying. Suck suck suck. This year my boyfriend and I are going to have fun F1 racing (I wish I could say I got paid for saying that.) It sounds fun but the more I think about it, the more scared I become of it.

My car's exhaust is broken. The damn thing sounds like an F1 racer already. My mechanic is all the way up in Maine so it is such a hassle every. single. time. And this exhaust? has been fixed 3 times in the past 2 years. Yup. FML.

I can't go into stores in December, they give me panic attacks. So I thought I would get everything done before Thanksgiving. Try to stave the madness off. But, as you know, the best laid plans of mice and men. A couple of the gifts are not happening, or are and I am stressed out about it. I still need to go to the stores. I still need to medicate myself before that can happen.

Every year, I never really worry about a tree because we don't spend Christmas at my house. This year is going to be different. We are staying home for Christmas. At least the morning of. I always thought it would be very sad just Ryder and I opening gifts. But then I decided that this is my family, as small as it might be. We would enjoy the holiday in the comfort of our own home. Enjoy our own tree. And hopefully my boyfriend will join us as well. I am happy about staying home and extremely sad at the same time. It is what it is, but that doesn't stop me from crying about it.

My plan at the beginning of the year was to plan on going snowboarding a lot this winter. That was going to be my light. Even that can't shine bright enough. Not today, at least.

What are you doing to keep away the winter blues?

Life Well Lived

There is a great article over at Blogher about organizing your bathroom. I posted my tricks to keeping an organized bathroom over in the comments section. You should go over there and join the conversation. And while you are over there at Blogher, you should enter the $250 giveaway. You just have to share your life well lived moment. You can read mine there. You have to hurry, though because it ends today.

What Is Going On Here?

With the holidays approaching, my mind turns to the presents I need to buy. Then I wonder how in the hell I will be able to buy said gifts. It is the 8th of the month and I still haven't paid rent. How can I catch up enough in the next few weeks? Guess we're going to dip into savings again.

I am planning on keeping gifts to a minimum this year. Try to knit a few things. Buy Ryder some much needed clothing instead of a bunch of toys, which he doesn't need. Of course I'll get him something to play with!

This then leads me to thinking about how much it costs me to get to work. Between daycare, the train pass, and parking, it is so much money. It makes me wonder why I come at all.

I called the Dept. of Revenue yesterday to find out about all the child support I have not received. They have no information. Just running his social daily. It is all that can be done. It really is not fair. I am struggling and raising our son, while he's doing god-knows-what. He is a fucking asshole.

Then I start thinking about how much I hate my job. I make just enough to mostly make it through, week by week. I have no idea what I would want to do, though. It's hard to look for a job when you don't know what you are looking for. So I do not look. I just try not to think about it. I just stay where I am and try not to complain too much.

I am stuck in a rut. Things need to change, but I do not know how to change them. I'll just sit here and cry, that'll probably help.

le sigh

So, Halloween is over. I am relieved, as I am every year, but a little sad. Halloween was so much fun this year. A few people came over and we all ate chicken parmesan. We went trick or treating with Ryder. He is so grown up. He went up to the doors by himself. Aww... My boyfriend joined us in time for the fireworks. We saw some great costumes. And it being a Monday night, it wasn't too crowded.

I did not dress up, despite having a costume to do so. I wasn't in the mood. But it was okay because no one else in my party did either. Guess it wasn't the year.

I am glad the effing ferris wheel is gone, but I kinda miss it. It didn't seem to bother me much this year. It wasn't as bright.

Til next year...