Merry Christmas and All That

Merry Christmas! a little late, but whatever.

Anyways, you should check out Eli's 6 Word Christmas Spectacular - I might have made that name up for him just now... AND I might have contributed to his post (#19!). Go check it out - What's your favorite?

You Don't Know Me

Look, here's the thing. You don't know me. You don't know my story. You don't know what I've gone through, what I am going through, what I will have to go through. I don't presume to know any of these things about you either.

Don't tell me how to live my life.

I know that sounds very 16 year oldish of me, but it is true. I know what is possible and what isn't. I know you are just trying to help or something, trying to impart some wisdom on me, but really, maybe those 16 year olds are onto something. I'm an adult, I make my own decisions and I don't apologize to anyone for them. You don't know my desires, needs, motivations for doing these things. And you still think you know what is best for me?

No. A real friend tries to help out with some suggestions. Tries to help you problem solve a little. A real friend understands when it is too much for you to handle. A real friend doesn't judge you for that. A real friend stands by you and supports you even if she doesn't support your decisions. A real friend doesn't say "I told you so", even if she did.

I'm tired of people thinking they know what is best for me and presume to know what I am capable of. Yeah, for somethings I have excuses, but you know what? They are valid. You might understand that if you knew me, but you don't. And the way you are headed, really, I don't think you will be getting to know me. Ain't nobody got time for dat.

Stave Off the Depression a Bit

I have found that my depression is better when I have something to look forward to. It doesn't necessarily have to be much, really it hardly ever is, but it has to be something. Right now, for instance, I am looking forward to my boyfriend coming over tonight. Just dinner and wine and maybe a movie, but I am really looking forward to it and today hasn't been so bad. Christmas isn't really something I look forward to, because it is so stressful, but it is really nice being around my family. New Years is something that I know a lot of people look forward to. Usually I just sit at home watching my phone click over to the new year, but this year I have people to spend it with (well, I guess I did last year, but it was still at my house, without TV.)

In January, we are taking a little vacation. I can't tell you where, though, the secret might get out ;)

I'm not sure what I am going to look forward to after that, but I really have to keep on top of this. Things get pretty hopeless really fast when I do not have anything. It feels like the days will just keep going on and going on and going on just the same, same, same. I think it is important to know this about my depression. Every little bit helps, you know?

Birthdays and Loved Ones

Last Sunday was my birthday. Ryder asked me what I was planning on doing for my birthday. When did he become old enough to worry about plans? I told him that I wasn't sure, so he asked me the next day, too.

First thing he usually does when he wakes up is run into my room and ask if he can play video games. I usually say yes and he goes running off. Sunday, though, he said "Happy birthday!" This touched me immensely. He wasn't just thinking about himself and how he wanted to play video games. He was thinking of how it was my birthday. I know he is a kind and thoughtful child, but I was still thrown back a little.

He really made my birthday special. I wonder if he understands how much that means to me. I can not believe how quickly he is growing. Just last year, I would have had to remind him 30 times that it was my birthday. Now he wishes me a happy birthday before I even open my eyes.

I've never enjoyed my birthday. Well, that's probably not true, ever since I've been an adult my birthday has kind of sucked. One year, for instance, I was in court trying to get a restraining order. That put a damper on the celebrations.

This year was different. Not only did Ryder make it special, but my boyfriend did too. We went over to his house where there was dinner and cake then came back to my house to watch the movie he got me. All simple things, but really it was lovely. Now I'm starting to look forward to more.

Guest Post

Hi all! I am guest posting over at Coach Daddy's place today! Take a look and join in the conversation :)

Thanks!

You Know You Are A Mom When...

• Someone asks you to write something for their blog and you write about urine. Twice.
• You grab the throw blanket, see something that looks like dried jelly, and use the blanket anyways. You can clean it later.
• You talk about your kid then get weirded out when someone uses his name.
• Chicken nuggets and instant potatoes sound like a well-rounded meal.
• You think PG-13 might be a little much for your 6 year old, but seriously, you'd get at least 2 hours to yourself. Have fun kid!
• You are proud of a poorly painted Luigi.
• You understand everything that your kid says, even when no one else does.
• You think in rhyme because of the Dr. Seuss you read all the time.

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Having a Hard Time

I am having a hard time. My depression and anxiety are at a high right now. I couldn't keep my shit together at work yesterday and had to leave early. I do not like doing that. And I worried everyone in the lab. They got me a ride home because they didn't even want me going on the train. I am very appreciative of everything everyone has done, but sometimes it makes it worse.

"What's wrong?"

Seriously, that question sets me off. I want to just sit back and list all of the things that are wrong. And I could, but instead I say "nothing. I am fine." Which causes emotions to almost back up. Like there is this dam that I put up, but it is a leaky dam because people know something is wrong. They can tell some emotion is there and about to burst. I can't let it, though. Especially at work. That is totally inappropriate.

Yesterday the dam broke. I had a full on panic attack right here. In front of everyone.

Today I am doing a better job with my dam, but it is a little leaky. I've had one motivational speech already today. "Be happy." I seriously laughed out loud when I was told this. The funniest thing I've heard in a while, really. Be happy. If only.

Fragile

I should probably start this with a **TRIGGER WARNING** I talk about depression, anxiety, murder. Maybe no one should read this.

This time of year gets difficult for me. The holidays stress me out. The darkness depresses me. The coldness makes me want to retreat to my bed.

I've been worrying A LOT about things that haven't happened and, most likely, never will happen. But, god, life is so fucking fragile. One moment everything is fine and the next moment... Well, who knows? It really upsets me when I think of all the things that could go wrong at any moment. The smallest incident could have disastrous results.

If the car pulled a little too much to the left...

If someone nudged me on the train platform...

If someone broke into my apartment...

If the pharmacy mislabeled my drugs...

If one of us just stopped breathing...

There is nothing I can do about these things. Shit happens. But that's what worries me: shit does happen. All the time. Everything is going along just fine then some 14 year old kills you with a box cutter. Just like that. Just. Like. That. People always say that things don't always happen to someone else. That is a myth you tell yourself. Maybe it is the only way to go on. Because worrying that these things will happen to me is killing me. How do you get out of bed every day if you think "Shit. All of these awful things might happen to me today." You don't.

Rings

I still have all three rings: my engagement ring, wedding band, and his wedding band.

He got mad at one point and took his ring off, put it on top of the tv, then left the apartment. Thankyouverymuch! Sure, I'll take your ring. No problem.

I thought maybe someday Ryder would want the rings. Now I wonder why he would ever want them? Some symbols of a love that was thrown away? Why do I want them?

I should do something productive with them. See how much they are worth. Maybe get some cash, maybe some new jewelry. I don't know.

I think of them very infrequently. I think of him very infrequently. Sometimes I come upon something that I was saving just in case Ryder wanted it. Yeah, right. I just couldn't bring myself to dispose of it. That happens less and less nowadays. I come upon something, think what the fuck do I still have this for? Then I throw it away. It is better this way.

I need to go down into my basement and start throwing things away. And giving things away. Not just things from my failed marriage, but from when Ryder was a baby. Seriously, I do not need that stuff. Someone else can use it. There is a ton of stuff my ex-boyfriend left in my basement too. Something needs to be done with that stuff too. I told him I would keep it for him for a while, and I will, I just need to put it in a corner or something.

But the rings are still in my bedroom. Still safe and sound. Still in a kind of limbo. Now I am going to forget about them for another little while. Deal with it another day.



P.S. Come like my facebook page!

Mental Health and Work

I am very honest and open when it comes to my medications and my therapist. I do not share anything with anyone that I do not trust, but I do not shy away from saying that I have therapy Thursday nights. At work, I generally do not talk about myself but to a select few. My dad always taught me to keep work and home separate and not to assume a coworker is a friend. I have been lenient on this, I think, by making some real friends at work. Where else am I going to meet people?

Anyways, sometimes my dad is more right than I like to admit. Sometimes I should just keep my mouth shut more often.

My coworker and I have been very open with each other and she knows that I take medications and go to therapy. This is all fine. She made an off-handed comment, though, that I should try to come up with better ways to cope with stress. Now, I suppose that any friend or acquaintance could have said this and the fact that it was at work is, perhaps, inconsequential, but it did happen at work and that cannot be ignored. There is something about it. I think it is because you cannot just leave the situation like you could if you were at a party or something. When she made the comment, I just became kind of silent and she asked something about what my therapist thought of it and when I was silent again, I think she recognized her mistake. I quietly said everything was fine and the subject was dropped.

I know she is only trying to help, but it was not helpful. It was uncomfortable at best. I can't help but feel like this all happened because of my openness. If, perhaps, I was less open I would not have had this conversation where I now know I am being somewhat judged. I will certainly be more cautious next time.

It Happened at Daycare

It finally happened.

And it happened at daycare.

Someone made fun of Ryder for not having a dad.

Poor kid. And I am pretty sure that the other kid doesn't see his dad, either.

So Ryder asked me the other day where his dad was. I told him that I didn't know. He asked if he had told me and I explained that I hadn't spoken to him in a long time. I asked if he had any other questions, but he said that he didn't.

He didn't tell me about the kid at daycare, but he told my parents.

I hope he feels comfortable enough to ask me any more questions, if he has any. And hopefully if he doesn't feel comfortable with me, maybe he'll feel comfortable enough to ask my parents.

Have you had to field any of these questions?





P.S. Come like my facebook page!

Boy Scout Dilemma

My son came home with a flyer for the boy scouts. He was very excited and couldn't wait to show me. He said "I am really excited for this, Mama." How can you say no to that? I haven't been thrilled with the boy scouts, but how do I explain that they do not like gay people or atheists to a six year old? I certainly do not want my son discriminating or being discriminated against.

What do I do?

Also, he has told me that they only do boy things at boy scouts. I tried explaining that girls can do anything boys can do and vise versa. We ended up agreeing to disagreeing with him asking that we don't talk about it any more. I certainly do not want some organization reaffirming that boys cannot do girl things.

What do I do?

I'm going to look around and see if there are any other clubs he can join, maybe at the boys and girls club or 4H? Do they have 4H anymore? I'll have to look into it.

Suicide Awareness Day

USC’s MSW Programs Blog Day.

So, here is my thought on the matter: suicidal thoughts and talks should be taken seriously. So many people ignore them because the person is just "looking for attention" or are being "dramatic". You know what? Maybe they are looking for attention and they need to be dramatic for someone to hear them and help them. I know what it is like to hear someone say that they want to kill themselves all the time. I know that it gets old, but you know what? It is probably not just "getting old" to them. Hunter S. Thompson talked about killing himself all the time. Guess what? He did. I bet people around him stopped taking him seriously.

I am not blaming anyone. I am not looking to point the finger at anyone. I just want you to know that I will take you seriously. You are not alone. Loads of people, myself included, have had suicidal thoughts. And no, most of the time they come to nothing. Good.  But sometimes they do. And because of that, I think we need to take people more seriously and people need to know where to get help.

The number for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1 (800) 273-TALK (8255).

There are online resources. I am a personal fan of Twitter for mental health issues. There are so many groups out there that you can tweet to and someone will respond.

There are other options. There are people who know what you are going through. You are alive and for that I am grateful.

Does taking a lot of medications mean that I am crazy?

I know that the answer is no, but sometimes it is easy to forget that. Especially when I go to the pharmacy and the pharmacy technician practically whispers my total because it is so much money. This happens every time. I understand prescriptions cost a lot of money, but when they whisper, it feels like something that I should be ashamed of. They probably just don't want to tell the world that I spend a lot on meds, they are probably just trying to be polite, but it makes me feel crazy. I know that no one else knows that the total is made up of only prescriptions prescribed by my psychologist, but I know. And the pharmacy technician knows. And so, I feel crazy.

Has this ever happened to you?

The 2013 Back To School Social Party

Greetings fellow party-goers! Welcome to my blog.

For those of you who do not know, VoiceBoks is hosting a social networking party. There are going to be some great speakers and prizes! If you are interested, use coupon code twentyFive for 25% off of Tier 2 or Tier 3 passes.

A little about me and my blog. My name is Raine and I have a six year old son named Ryder. We live in Salem, MA, and, man, is it a good time! I am a single mom and I suffer from depression and panic disorder. I am more of a listener than a talker, mostly introverted, and a pessimist. I am also a great mom, down-to-earth, and, on occasion, funny.

This space here was originally all about being a single mom. I do still talk about the difficulties of single parenting, but recently I've been talking more and more about mental health. I like to think of my blog as somewhere I, and hopefully others, can connect with people in similar situations. A place where you can go to know that you are not alone. A place where, at some point, we can attain peace together.

How To Afford Your Summer Vacation

Today I have my first guest post ever! Shaye from Simply Shaye has some great ideas for us single moms to help the finances a bit.

As any single mom knows, summers stay busier than ever. I work 40 hours a week, or sometimes 45 if I need to fill in for someone. The kids are growing up, but they're bored and it's a hot summer. We absolutely cannot wait to go on vacation! Yes, that's right! Last summer, I shrugged and asked "How can I afford to take us on vacation? My salary is already stretched six ways to Sunday!" Then, I found some reliable ways to make money at home.

For all the other single moms out there, you CAN go on vacation this summer! Use the talents you have, whether it's hobbies like photography or crafting or writing: the money adds up, whether you're a stay-at-home mother or in the workforce like me. And don't forget to save money. It's not always how much you earn...Check out these 4 unique ways to supplement your summer bankroll:

Dog Boarding

No, this does not seem like work to me, and you will love this! Offer your services to a loving pet owner. Taking a pet to the kennel can be traumatic. Find a quite room or space for someone else's dog or cat to stay in your home. This is a win-win for everyone. You get to play with the puppy, the puppy has fun (and gets frequent walks if necessary on a leash) and the owner has a stress-free vacation.

Freelancing/Writing

If you like to write, check out oDesk for writing assignments that add money to your vacation account every week. You decide how much freelance work you'd like. You stay at home, at your comfy desk or kitchen table. If your kid is like mine, this option works out very well. You make money for vacation and it doesn’t really feel like work.

Take a Hike, Give Up the Gym

Ah, the ties that binds. My gym and I were together for more than 10 years, but when I added up all the days I couldn't get there--because I work, have a child, and like to make extra money--spending $50 per month did not make sense. Now, I have a new pair of running shoes and I’ll workout from home!

Drink Tap Water

Okay, that's harsh. But think about how much you spend on bottled water! We spent more than enough on bottled water. Every Tuesday morning, we collected the water bottles for recycling. There's so much waste associated with bottled water. Your municipal water authority makes sure the water is potable--but if you're worried, call them or buy a water filtration device for the kitchen tap. We use Brita, and our water tastes great. Check out http://thewaterproject.org/bottled_water_wasteful.asp now!

Now, you see? Make a few savings adjustments can make you a little extra money. The thousands of dollars you save pays for a nice vacation. You and your children deserve it!

Shaye is a single mom that has a passion for family, budgeting, healthy living, fitness, and travel. She loves finding new ways to cook healthier and stay fit, all while doing it on a budget. She has a beautiful son and one eccentric dog, but wouldn’t have it any other way.. Follow her blog at http://simplyshaye.wordpress.com!  

Crush

I am a blusher. Bad. Even the smallest thing makes me blush. It is quite embarrassing sometimes. It is nowhere as bad as it was when I was younger, but I still blush. Sometimes it is just the completely wrong situation for blushing. I can't help it though.

I loved math class. Not because of the math, no, that sucked. Because John was in math class. John was a year older than us, but in our advanced math class. I'm still not sure how that worked out, but who am I to complain? He was a soccer player and a track athlete and I really liked him.

Because it was an advanced math class, it was the same students in the same level of math every year, so every year, for three glorious years, John was in my math class. One year, I sat next to him and was his math partner, whatever that meant.

So, because of this huge crush, I knew that every time I went into math class I was blushing. I could feel it. I went into the bathroom one day and my face was super red. I almost refused to go back to class. But I couldn't leave my math partner to derive on his own.

How Sour Milk Almost Ruined My Day

It started out with the sour milk. Actually, if I am going to be honest it started before that. I woke up freezing then upon seeing my blanket I immediately curled up under it, just to fall back asleep. And sleep 15 minutes too long. I got up, did the normal things, poured my cereal then tasted the sourness. I dumped the milk then started a mad rush to get ready so I would have time to grab a bagel from the bagel place before work.

Then the boy took too long. Then I hit red lights. Then there was a detour. Then there was the on-going construction and closed parking lot. Then there was no parking signs where everyone parks so everyone parked by where I like to park my car instead. So there was no parking in the lot. So I had to park a million miles away. Then I had to run to the train.

Sure, even if the milk was good, I would've still hit the detour and still would have had to park a million miles away, but what else can I blame? A mystical diety? Fate?

The bagel was delicious, so in the end it was all worth it anyways.

Super Mom

Some fun facts about single moms:

There is no denying the fact that parenting is a tough job and being a single parent is even tougher. Take single moms for example who overcome all kinds of challenges to make a living for their kids. These women don’t know the meaning of the word quit and are always striving hard for their families. Our single mother infographic reveals that there are over 10.3 million single mothers and even though 50% of these women make less than $25,000 a year they still manage to make sure that their children are well provided for. These super women do it all … from cooking breakfasts and dinners to doing house chores, not to mention working in full-time jobs at the same time. Life of a single mother is not easy but these classy women certainly make it look effortless! via

I don't know why these infographics never seem to be the right size.

Currently

Reading: Using Statistical Methods in Social Science Research and, yes, it is as exciting as it sounds. I haven't read for fun in 7 months and I do not think I will be again for a very long time. School takes up so much time and energy. I feel like I am always doing school work. This course is the hardest and only 5 more weeks of it.

Listening to: I love the new Ben Folds song You Don't Know Me. I made it my ringtone :)




Thinking about: My mom. She had an "inoperable" tumor removed last week. I am so happy. Hopefully this can be a new beginning for her.

Watching: Desperate Housewives season 8. I love that show. There are others that I would like to try, Walking Dead being one of them, but I have to finish Desperate Housewives first. I just gotta.

Bummed out on: The world. Seriously, seems like nothing good is happening in the world. Death, destruction, keeping people down, stereotypes, natural disasters. For a while I stopped reading the news because it got me down so badly. Maybe I should stop reading it again for a while. That won't stop it, though. There is facebook and twitter. It is just depressing, is all.

Loving: Summer. This summer has been great so far. Went camping, met new people, hung out with my family, saw some friends that I don't see often enough, have gotten a lot of time with Ryder, my mom's surgery... Life is pretty good. (Then why am I so down all the time?)



"Currently". A simple list of things you're currently feeling as seen at Sometimes Sweet.

Cup Song

So, on my computer it looks sounds like the sound is not lined up with the video. It may be that I am just way too good for my camera. Or my camera sucks. What do you think? Show me a video of you doing this. Please?? Don't let me and the thousands of other people on YouTube be the only ones :)

Censoring

Lately I've felt like maybe I need to be censoring myself a little more.

Maybe I shouldn't be writing so much about mental illness.

I started thinking this way when I googled myself and saw how ridiculously easy it is to find this blog.

Like real easy.

So, I stopped blogging, though I've been decreasing in number of posts anyways, but for the first time I thought about taking some down.

Then I thought about it.

No.

I blog about mental health so that people are not afraid to talk about their mental health issues.

So that we can reduce or eliminate the stigma attached.

I am honest, and that is my thing.

I don't need to apologize to anyone, especially myself, about that.

I will not censor myself, even if it is really really easy to find this blog.

So. Very. Excited.

I am going camping this weekend and I am super excited! I love camping. Especially when both of my sisters are there. And when we will be letterboxing all weekend!

I know loads of people do not understand camping, but there is something about sleeping and essentially living outside that I love. And beer. I like drinking outside. It just makes it taste better.

And fire. Beer and fire. ;)

Hurt

**TRIGGER WARNING**

I should probably put trigger warning on my tagline.

So, here I am feeling so lonely. So I have returned to you, my blog, my Loyal Readers. If there are any Loyal Readers left.

My best friend is gone. I knew he would leave, but I didn't realize his leaving would be so totally and utterly complete. By that I mean, of course, I didn't think he would de-friend me. Fucking lame, but that's where we are today. De-friending meaning so much more than just one less friend on some stupid social networking site.

I had the worst date ever last night. Worst. Date. Ever. Too embarrassing to even share with you guys. Maybe later when the wound isn't so fresh. But I don't really care too too much, because I wasn't crazy about him anyways. I am really interested in this other guy that is pretty much unavailable. Seriously, why?

Anyways, Trent Reznor came to my head today and this song kinda does it for me right now. I am not so depressed that this song speaks to me, but, you know, it has its purposes. Sometimes a trigger is just what I need to feel good. Just the trigger. Today, just the trigger.

Sorry for the fucking Baby Einstein version - I'm not in the mood to find a better video. Turn up the sound and shut the monitor off.

Late

I am late. Well, I will be very shortly. I cannot handle being late. I wish I could accurately describe the feeling to you. It's like "OhNoOhNoOhNoOhNo" my heart is racing. I can't calm down. I try to close my eyes but I physically can't. I'm not exaggerating. Like they pop right back open. It's my therapy appointment. If there is one person in the world who would not be upset it's my therapist, yet here I am, freaking out.

My family is always late. Again, not exaggerating. Sometimes hours late. I cannot stand it. I can't be late.

It's okay if they make me wait. That is fine. I'm very patient, but if I make someone wait a minute I freak out. I'mSoSorryI'mSoSorry!

I have ativan with me, but alas, no water and I can't chance it getting stuck in my throat like it does. As if that can be worse than how I feel, but it would be both feelings at once and I DEFINITELY can't handle that.

I didn't even cause this lateness. The bus was held up by traffic. Then I missed my train and now I'm on a slightly later one. I'll be late in 33 minutes. 33 minutes.

Until then I'm going to sit here and feel like the world is ending.