I am having a hard time. My depression and anxiety are at a high right now. I couldn't keep my shit together at work yesterday and had to leave early. I do not like doing that. And I worried everyone in the lab. They got me a ride home because they didn't even want me going on the train. I am very appreciative of everything everyone has done, but sometimes it makes it worse.
"What's wrong?"
Seriously, that question sets me off. I want to just sit back and list all of the things that are wrong. And I could, but instead I say "nothing. I am fine." Which causes emotions to almost back up. Like there is this dam that I put up, but it is a leaky dam because people know something is wrong. They can tell some emotion is there and about to burst. I can't let it, though. Especially at work. That is totally inappropriate.
Yesterday the dam broke. I had a full on panic attack right here. In front of everyone.
Today I am doing a better job with my dam, but it is a little leaky. I've had one motivational speech already today. "Be happy." I seriously laughed out loud when I was told this. The funniest thing I've heard in a while, really. Be happy. If only.
I hear you Raine. I understand.
ReplyDeleteJust this morning it was like a switch was flipped and I felt things... change. Going to head outside - searching for light. How are you doing now?
I hope you're doing better Raine, I've had my own journey through depression and anxiety and now I'm watching my daughter cope with anxiety. Her frustration is also the friends that say 'suck it up, get on with it etc etc'
ReplyDeleteYou're in my thoughts