Don't Follow Your Dreams

People who tell you to follow your dreams should have some kind of disclaimer. "You might fuck up your life and not even achieve your dream" or "You might find out that your dream kinda sucks, a little too late," or "Single moms need not apply."

I had a dream. I had a dream that I might be a social worker and get out of science. Well, let me tell you, I did get out of science. I'm no social worker, though. Nope. I do nothing. Except search desperately for a job.

You know, this goes back to me feeling like I'm always doing things the right way yet they never work out for me. School, then marriage, then children. Yeah, that didn't really work out so well. Now it was: take night classes online while working full-time. Check. Pretty hard and my child hated it, but I did it. Next was to do an internship. I fought for the internship and finally, after 6 months, I secured one. I tried to make it work for a month. My job made it very difficult for me and I could not do both. I quit the internship and when I asked for my normal shift back, they said no. So I had to quit. And, because I dropped the internship, I now owe the school $3000, which I need to pay in order to begin there again.

So I have nothing. No job. No school. No way to get into a new school because with an outstanding bill I do not have access to my transcripts. Oh, and because I cannot get a transcript, I cannot use my schooling to get a new job (government jobs, at least, require proof.)

In short, don't follow your dreams. I was told by many many people to just do it. It'll work out. "How will I do an internship, though?" Don't worry, they said, you don't know what your circumstances will be then. Nope, I had no idea that the circumstances were the exact fucking same and I wouldn't be able to do it. It did not work itself out. It fucked up everything. What am I supposed to do now? Where is all of the good advice now?

Best laid plans of mice and men

You know, no matter what your plans are, it doesn't matter. No matter how good your intentions, it doesn't matter. No matter how thoughtful and thorough and detailed, it doesn't matter.

I did everything like I was supposed to do. I picked a vocation young (zookeeper) and stuck with it. Took the necessary courses in high school, graduated top of my class, got into the university of my choice. Did well in college. Maybe partied a bit much, but still graduated with a better than 3.0 GPA. I met my love while in school. We worked and saved and moved to Colorado. We got married. Then shit happened.

Fast forward through the shit that was not supposed to happen.

I finally get my dream job of being a zookeeper I worked so hard to get. I hated it. I quit after the summer was over.

We get back together. We live in a really nice place and we are bringing in enough money to be content. So we decide to have a child. I got pregnant right away and had a perfect little boy. Then shit happened.

Fast forward through the shit that was not supposed to happen.

I am a single mom. I am an only parent. I do not receive child support. I have a job that I never wanted.

I find a school program that I am interested in. And it is online, so I can do my course work while my son is sleeping. Perfect.

Then shit happened.

We can't fast forward through this shit, though, because it is currently happening.

I did it all right. I went to college, I did well in school, I got engaged and then married and then a decent income and then, and only then, a child. That is the right order. Married and then child. I was told if I worked hard and did what I was supposed to do, everything would work out. You know what? Good grades and good jobs and having a child within wedlock and continuing with school, that shit means nothing. It doesn't matter.

I had a plan. And this is not it.

Where?

I don't know what I want to do with my life. I have so many questions. I have options and opportunities, yet I feel like I have none. There are people who love and care about me, yet sometimes I feel alone. I don't know what to do.

I sure as hell know what I don't want to do, though.

And that is a fucking start.

You Don't Know Me

Look, here's the thing. You don't know me. You don't know my story. You don't know what I've gone through, what I am going through, what I will have to go through. I don't presume to know any of these things about you either.

Don't tell me how to live my life.

I know that sounds very 16 year oldish of me, but it is true. I know what is possible and what isn't. I know you are just trying to help or something, trying to impart some wisdom on me, but really, maybe those 16 year olds are onto something. I'm an adult, I make my own decisions and I don't apologize to anyone for them. You don't know my desires, needs, motivations for doing these things. And you still think you know what is best for me?

No. A real friend tries to help out with some suggestions. Tries to help you problem solve a little. A real friend understands when it is too much for you to handle. A real friend doesn't judge you for that. A real friend stands by you and supports you even if she doesn't support your decisions. A real friend doesn't say "I told you so", even if she did.

I'm tired of people thinking they know what is best for me and presume to know what I am capable of. Yeah, for somethings I have excuses, but you know what? They are valid. You might understand that if you knew me, but you don't. And the way you are headed, really, I don't think you will be getting to know me. Ain't nobody got time for dat.

Fragile

I should probably start this with a **TRIGGER WARNING** I talk about depression, anxiety, murder. Maybe no one should read this.

This time of year gets difficult for me. The holidays stress me out. The darkness depresses me. The coldness makes me want to retreat to my bed.

I've been worrying A LOT about things that haven't happened and, most likely, never will happen. But, god, life is so fucking fragile. One moment everything is fine and the next moment... Well, who knows? It really upsets me when I think of all the things that could go wrong at any moment. The smallest incident could have disastrous results.

If the car pulled a little too much to the left...

If someone nudged me on the train platform...

If someone broke into my apartment...

If the pharmacy mislabeled my drugs...

If one of us just stopped breathing...

There is nothing I can do about these things. Shit happens. But that's what worries me: shit does happen. All the time. Everything is going along just fine then some 14 year old kills you with a box cutter. Just like that. Just. Like. That. People always say that things don't always happen to someone else. That is a myth you tell yourself. Maybe it is the only way to go on. Because worrying that these things will happen to me is killing me. How do you get out of bed every day if you think "Shit. All of these awful things might happen to me today." You don't.

Does taking a lot of medications mean that I am crazy?

I know that the answer is no, but sometimes it is easy to forget that. Especially when I go to the pharmacy and the pharmacy technician practically whispers my total because it is so much money. This happens every time. I understand prescriptions cost a lot of money, but when they whisper, it feels like something that I should be ashamed of. They probably just don't want to tell the world that I spend a lot on meds, they are probably just trying to be polite, but it makes me feel crazy. I know that no one else knows that the total is made up of only prescriptions prescribed by my psychologist, but I know. And the pharmacy technician knows. And so, I feel crazy.

Has this ever happened to you?

How Sour Milk Almost Ruined My Day

It started out with the sour milk. Actually, if I am going to be honest it started before that. I woke up freezing then upon seeing my blanket I immediately curled up under it, just to fall back asleep. And sleep 15 minutes too long. I got up, did the normal things, poured my cereal then tasted the sourness. I dumped the milk then started a mad rush to get ready so I would have time to grab a bagel from the bagel place before work.

Then the boy took too long. Then I hit red lights. Then there was a detour. Then there was the on-going construction and closed parking lot. Then there was no parking signs where everyone parks so everyone parked by where I like to park my car instead. So there was no parking in the lot. So I had to park a million miles away. Then I had to run to the train.

Sure, even if the milk was good, I would've still hit the detour and still would have had to park a million miles away, but what else can I blame? A mystical diety? Fate?

The bagel was delicious, so in the end it was all worth it anyways.

Currently

Reading: Using Statistical Methods in Social Science Research and, yes, it is as exciting as it sounds. I haven't read for fun in 7 months and I do not think I will be again for a very long time. School takes up so much time and energy. I feel like I am always doing school work. This course is the hardest and only 5 more weeks of it.

Listening to: I love the new Ben Folds song You Don't Know Me. I made it my ringtone :)




Thinking about: My mom. She had an "inoperable" tumor removed last week. I am so happy. Hopefully this can be a new beginning for her.

Watching: Desperate Housewives season 8. I love that show. There are others that I would like to try, Walking Dead being one of them, but I have to finish Desperate Housewives first. I just gotta.

Bummed out on: The world. Seriously, seems like nothing good is happening in the world. Death, destruction, keeping people down, stereotypes, natural disasters. For a while I stopped reading the news because it got me down so badly. Maybe I should stop reading it again for a while. That won't stop it, though. There is facebook and twitter. It is just depressing, is all.

Loving: Summer. This summer has been great so far. Went camping, met new people, hung out with my family, saw some friends that I don't see often enough, have gotten a lot of time with Ryder, my mom's surgery... Life is pretty good. (Then why am I so down all the time?)



"Currently". A simple list of things you're currently feeling as seen at Sometimes Sweet.

I Am

I Am

I am honest and trusting 

I wonder why I am so sad all the time 

I hear a dull roar 

I see a beautiful person 

I want to travel the world 

I am honest and trusting

I pretend to be calm 

I feel uncertain about time 

I touch a soft lining 

I worry about my son 

I cry when it feels hopeless 

I am honest and trusting

I understand plans change 

I say science will make it clear 

I dream about getting away 

I try to be optimistic 

I hope everything will work out 

I am honest and trusting

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Others

I often wonder if people look at me and think that I am crazy.

I do not hide the fact that I take meds for depression and anxiety. I mean, I do not carry a sign or anything, I just don't deny it when asked.

I wonder if that makes people think I am crazy. Or just the opposite.

I wonder if people look at me and think "She's overweight." Or do I carry the extra poundage well?

I wonder if people think I am a good mom. People say I am, but would you tell someone if they weren't?

I wonder what people think about me. I do not obsess over it, but I do wonder.

Do you?

Goals and Ambition

I have a problem at work. My problem is that I have no ambition. I have no goals. And, you know, I am actually quite content with everything. Not happy, but content.

My job is a stepping stone for grad school/med school/vet school. People work here for 1-2 years then go on their merry way to school. I have been here for 5-6 years already. I have no plans to leave.

Sure, I would love to find a new job, preferably in a far away city somewhere. But who knows? I don't know what kind of job I would be looking for anyways.

I was just listening to a Stuff You Should Know podcast on goals and whether they are good or bad. The consensus is that it depends on the person/situation. They touch on the fact that not everyone has goals. Some people are fine with their mediocre lives. (I assume they are mediocre because if they were really awesome, they probably achieved goals to get their awesome shit.)

I do kind of have a weight loss goal. I would like to lose 10 pounds as quickly as possible. I really don't know a better time frame than that. I don't really know what is reasonable. One month? Two? I guess I could google it, but honestly I don't care enough.

See what I mean?! No ambition. No motivation. This could all fall back, you know, on my depression. Why bother having goals that you cannot meet? What is the point?

What Is Going On Here?

With the holidays approaching, my mind turns to the presents I need to buy. Then I wonder how in the hell I will be able to buy said gifts. It is the 8th of the month and I still haven't paid rent. How can I catch up enough in the next few weeks? Guess we're going to dip into savings again.

I am planning on keeping gifts to a minimum this year. Try to knit a few things. Buy Ryder some much needed clothing instead of a bunch of toys, which he doesn't need. Of course I'll get him something to play with!

This then leads me to thinking about how much it costs me to get to work. Between daycare, the train pass, and parking, it is so much money. It makes me wonder why I come at all.

I called the Dept. of Revenue yesterday to find out about all the child support I have not received. They have no information. Just running his social daily. It is all that can be done. It really is not fair. I am struggling and raising our son, while he's doing god-knows-what. He is a fucking asshole.

Then I start thinking about how much I hate my job. I make just enough to mostly make it through, week by week. I have no idea what I would want to do, though. It's hard to look for a job when you don't know what you are looking for. So I do not look. I just try not to think about it. I just stay where I am and try not to complain too much.

I am stuck in a rut. Things need to change, but I do not know how to change them. I'll just sit here and cry, that'll probably help.

Fucking Impossible

I'm not sure why people even bother to help me. I'm absolutely impossible. It's why most of the time I don't talk at all. I hate listening to myself.

I say "I was looking at these apartments that are pretty cool." Other person "yeah? You're looking to move?" I say "no."

How do you work with someone who contradicts everything they say? "I really want to travel to Athens this summer." Other person "oh, yeah? When are you going?" Me: "Fuck it. I'm not going."

It's like I think of something, then when I put two seconds of thought into it I realize how stupid it is. How hard it is. How that's not what I want to do at all. It all really comes back to my bed. All I want to do is lie in bed. Until I die, which will also be in my bed. If the plans do not include me lying in bed, I don't want to do it.

My other major problem is Ryder is my traveling/everything companion. But he is not an adult. And adults are completely unreliable. The only one I can depend on is me, and that gets lonely...

Imprisoned

There is no black cloud, or dark hole. This time the darkness is inside me and I can feel it coursing through my veins all day long. It's been bad. The last time it was this bad I was leaving my abusive husband. I want to release the darkness but that is dangerous, so I'm doing what I can. They have upped my meds, but it doesn't seem to be working. Everyday is a struggle. Every activity is a struggle. I havent really told anyone, because no one likes a whiner. But here it is. And I am exhausted from all this pain. I'll update when I can.

A friend sent this to me and it meant a lot.

Watch "Pink (P!nk) - Fuckin' Perfect (Music Video) HQ [2011 *NEW*]" on YouTube

In Which Coffee Has a Hard Time with the Trash.

I have just seen a new level of inconsiderate and disrespectful behavior that I think I've seen in recent years. Maybe I'm over reacting but I'm just stunned.

Our train was called and everyone began to push fellow commuters for THE best seat. A woman in front of me, walks by the Dunkin Donuts in the station. She then places her empty coffee cup on top of one of their brewers. And walks away. Surely she must have some repertoire with the D & D employees, right? Not an employee in sight. Apparently she thinks that they are lowly servants that just pick up after her fucking ass.

No, they are probably not the pillars of their community, but maybe they are. They are just working their job, just like me, trying to feed their families. It is surely not a glamorous job, but, shit, you gotta do what you gotta do. You do not deserve to be disrespected by people who believe they are better than you.

I may add that there are a half dozen trash cans between Dunkies and the train.

A related incident that astounded me was in a shopping lot. I was putting R in his seat and our carriage was right behind me filled with our groceries. A family walked by and one of the adults put their coffee cup on my carriage. WTF? So this person is considerate enough to not throw it on the ground, but doesn't feel like they should have to go out of their way to find a can. So, now, I look like the asshole who leaves their trash in the carriages. Because what am I supposed to do with it? I can't just leave R in his seat while I run around looking for a can. Why couldn't they at least put it in an empty cart? Not that I condone that either.

These people have probably never even thought about their behavior nearly as long as it has taken me to write this. Hopefully someone somewhere calls them out on it. Maybe they will consciously become aware of their behavior and stop being disrespectful. Or maybe they will just tell them to fuck off.

Me to You

This is for you

Secrets

Don't Lie To Me

Don't lie and pretend you knew nothing of us not staying at your house Christmas eve. Several people, including myself, told you. So, don't give me this shit.

I understand that you did what you felt you had to, but now I'm trying to understand how this slipped by unnoticed all these years. You were good at hiding skeletons. Please do not hide the truth from me. I love you and I can help you.

You have disappointed me again. Maybe you have selective memory, but in my experiences you remember things better than I do. I do not remember things readily, but when I do, I fucking do. I know you were lying. I don't want this to come between us again, so, please don't lie to me.

I know I cannot tell you everything. For my own safety and for your piece of mind some things must remain hidden. I come under the guise that I can say anything. That this place is safe, and for the most part it is. Most of the time I'd rather talk to you rather than anyone else, but I am sorry. I am sorry that I lie to your pointed questions, but I do so for my own protection.

Please do not tell me you are okay when you clearly are not. I know its a lie and you know that I know. But then isn't that the exact same lie I just told you moments earlier? And don't I know that you know that, too?

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Christmas Lessons

Don't give a three year old a 500 piece puzzle. I am seriously going to bring it back to grandma's house. The boy expected a nice puzzle that would have Buzz together in 30 seconds and when he wasn't he just cried.

Christmas is for the poor. It seems like families with money don't appreciate Christmas like poorer families do. I know a few richer families that don't even exchange gifts. In my family everyone gives everyone a gift. Even new boyfriends that not everyone knows. And they seem to be better gifts, a lot of homemade things, or something someone casually remarked that they might like to have. Remember that song where the woman sells her hair for a watch chain and the husband sells his watch for combs for her hair?

I am Ryder's mother no matter where we are. If I want to take him somewhere I will. It does not matter who is around. If I want to watch him open his presents, I will. My new years resolution is to stand up for myself. I am his mom. My mother is not.

Christmas is anti-climatic. I worked so hard for months to make everyone's gifts, for it to be over in a few minutes.

Next year I am doing Xmas at my house. If anyone wants to come over, they are welcome, but I am doing things my way. We are going to open gifts one at a time so we can watch each other. And no one will complain that I am "behind".

Any gifts that are not age appropriate, go into storage until they are.

My final Christmas lesson is that Xmas is not supposed to be sad. I need to surround myself with people who do not make me cry. And I have the ability to do that.

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An Epic Post

Do you even know what the word epic means??

ep-ic

–adjective Also, ep·i·cal.

noting or pertaining to a long poetic composition, usually centered upon a hero, in which a series of great achievements or events is narrated in elevated style:Homer's Iliad is an epic poem.

So the use of the word epic should always pertain or resemble this type of literature.  So, if you are a damsel in distress and a prince slays a dragon and comes to get you, then you write a blog on the whole thing, then you are allowed to use the word epic to describe said story.

If you ate a pretty big breakfast, they you are not allowed to call it epic.  Period.

Heres what our Urban Dictionary folks say about it:

the most overused word ever, next to fail. for even more asshole points, use them together to form "epic fail." everything is epic now. epic car. epic haircut. epic movie. epic album. epic shut the fuck up. saying "epic win" doesn't make you sound any better, either. and for fucks sake, don't ever say it in person.

So even the folks over there the word is totally obnoxious.  Your haircut cannot be epic.  Maybe if a hero swooped in and gave you that much desired haircut and then you write a poem - you know what?  No.  Don't even use it in that circumstance.  

Okay so I will agree that epic can be used to describe a movie.  Although not a movie such as Land of the Lost or Love Affair or any of the Saw movies.  Beowulf is obviously an epic movie as is Lord of the Rings.

Now I am sure that 90% of my Loyal Readers use the word "epic" daily.  And I certainly don't want anyone to stop cold turkey - god how that never works....  And I have to admit I, myself, have called things epic fails.  I think what really bothers me about the word is it's sudden prevalence in everyone's vernacular.  I know it is just a fad word like, um, well, probably fail, and I am sure that it will fade away like other fad words.  I'm just hoping that is sooner than later.