I'm not sure why people even bother to help me. I'm absolutely impossible. It's why most of the time I don't talk at all. I hate listening to myself.
I say "I was looking at these apartments that are pretty cool." Other person "yeah? You're looking to move?" I say "no."
How do you work with someone who contradicts everything they say? "I really want to travel to Athens this summer." Other person "oh, yeah? When are you going?" Me: "Fuck it. I'm not going."
It's like I think of something, then when I put two seconds of thought into it I realize how stupid it is. How hard it is. How that's not what I want to do at all. It all really comes back to my bed. All I want to do is lie in bed. Until I die, which will also be in my bed. If the plans do not include me lying in bed, I don't want to do it.
My other major problem is Ryder is my traveling/everything companion. But he is not an adult. And adults are completely unreliable. The only one I can depend on is me, and that gets lonely...
See your doctor about depression. I know your life sucks right now and I can't promise it will get better. I can promise it will get different. I've been divorced with toddlers. Widowed with pre-teens and remarried to a difficult man. I would say I might be willing to lay next to you until we both died. (not "that" way). I love the safety of my bed. Here's some *hugs* that you can't feel but are none the less real.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter's so-called father left when she was 7 months old, never to be seen again. He never paid child support.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter is now 16 and we seriously had great fun with just the two of us. Although it was hard at first, it got better. And now I would change it.
Seeing someone about depression might be the right idea.