Don't Follow Your Dreams

People who tell you to follow your dreams should have some kind of disclaimer. "You might fuck up your life and not even achieve your dream" or "You might find out that your dream kinda sucks, a little too late," or "Single moms need not apply."

I had a dream. I had a dream that I might be a social worker and get out of science. Well, let me tell you, I did get out of science. I'm no social worker, though. Nope. I do nothing. Except search desperately for a job.

You know, this goes back to me feeling like I'm always doing things the right way yet they never work out for me. School, then marriage, then children. Yeah, that didn't really work out so well. Now it was: take night classes online while working full-time. Check. Pretty hard and my child hated it, but I did it. Next was to do an internship. I fought for the internship and finally, after 6 months, I secured one. I tried to make it work for a month. My job made it very difficult for me and I could not do both. I quit the internship and when I asked for my normal shift back, they said no. So I had to quit. And, because I dropped the internship, I now owe the school $3000, which I need to pay in order to begin there again.

So I have nothing. No job. No school. No way to get into a new school because with an outstanding bill I do not have access to my transcripts. Oh, and because I cannot get a transcript, I cannot use my schooling to get a new job (government jobs, at least, require proof.)

In short, don't follow your dreams. I was told by many many people to just do it. It'll work out. "How will I do an internship, though?" Don't worry, they said, you don't know what your circumstances will be then. Nope, I had no idea that the circumstances were the exact fucking same and I wouldn't be able to do it. It did not work itself out. It fucked up everything. What am I supposed to do now? Where is all of the good advice now?

Doing Nothing

Most people, when they say they are doing nothing, actually mean "I'm watching a show I don't really care about," or "I'm painting my nails," or "Reading Reddit." When someone suffering from depression isn't doing anything, I tell you, we are not doing anything. I can literally sit for an hour, not moving, not watching anything, not talking, nothing. It is like I am too sad to even move. Even just standing up is beyond comprehension.

My grandmother suffered from depression and sometimes she would enter these catatonic-like states where she wouldn't move. She spent months at a time in the hospital. That was a long time ago, of course. There is no health insurance in the world who would pay for that shit nowadays. It makes me wonder, though, would I have been hospitalized fifty years ago?

Doing nothing isn't easy, either. I am too depressed to move, so I do nothing. Because I am doing nothing I feel like I am wasting time. Which makes me feel worse. Which makes me want to move even less. Which makes me feel worse. Etc. Usually, best-case scenario is that I fall asleep and wake up with a little more motivation. At least enough to get up. That is a start.

So, sometimes, when someone tells you they aren't doing anything they might be sitting in front of an open window getting soaked because they cannot get up to close it. Thankfully they still have the will to speak to you, so there is hope.

Sadness and Hopelessness

**Trigger Alert**

You know, everyone is talking about Robin Williams and depression. I'm kinda mixed about it because hearing about depression constantly is making me very very depressed, yet I am glad that people are talking about it. Maybe they are too much. You can tell that a lot of people who are talking about it do not suffer themselves. It was suggested that maybe in the wake of this tragedy people will get help for themselves. I think, for me, I take it completely oppositely. He was a very successful man with a lot of money, doctors, friends, family, support. He was open about his struggles. He was open about going to rehab and such. He was funny and brought a lot of joy to a lot of people's lives. And he could not escape the darkness. If such a successful man with so many resources couldn't do it, why do I think I can? I don't even have a job. I can't even afford to go to my doctor any more. Maybe I'm the only one who is thinking like this, but probably not. I think for someone who feels so hopeless already, this news just deepens it. And the constant talk about it makes it worse.