Stave Off the Depression a Bit

I have found that my depression is better when I have something to look forward to. It doesn't necessarily have to be much, really it hardly ever is, but it has to be something. Right now, for instance, I am looking forward to my boyfriend coming over tonight. Just dinner and wine and maybe a movie, but I am really looking forward to it and today hasn't been so bad. Christmas isn't really something I look forward to, because it is so stressful, but it is really nice being around my family. New Years is something that I know a lot of people look forward to. Usually I just sit at home watching my phone click over to the new year, but this year I have people to spend it with (well, I guess I did last year, but it was still at my house, without TV.)

In January, we are taking a little vacation. I can't tell you where, though, the secret might get out ;)

I'm not sure what I am going to look forward to after that, but I really have to keep on top of this. Things get pretty hopeless really fast when I do not have anything. It feels like the days will just keep going on and going on and going on just the same, same, same. I think it is important to know this about my depression. Every little bit helps, you know?

How To Afford Your Summer Vacation

Today I have my first guest post ever! Shaye from Simply Shaye has some great ideas for us single moms to help the finances a bit.

As any single mom knows, summers stay busier than ever. I work 40 hours a week, or sometimes 45 if I need to fill in for someone. The kids are growing up, but they're bored and it's a hot summer. We absolutely cannot wait to go on vacation! Yes, that's right! Last summer, I shrugged and asked "How can I afford to take us on vacation? My salary is already stretched six ways to Sunday!" Then, I found some reliable ways to make money at home.

For all the other single moms out there, you CAN go on vacation this summer! Use the talents you have, whether it's hobbies like photography or crafting or writing: the money adds up, whether you're a stay-at-home mother or in the workforce like me. And don't forget to save money. It's not always how much you earn...Check out these 4 unique ways to supplement your summer bankroll:

Dog Boarding

No, this does not seem like work to me, and you will love this! Offer your services to a loving pet owner. Taking a pet to the kennel can be traumatic. Find a quite room or space for someone else's dog or cat to stay in your home. This is a win-win for everyone. You get to play with the puppy, the puppy has fun (and gets frequent walks if necessary on a leash) and the owner has a stress-free vacation.

Freelancing/Writing

If you like to write, check out oDesk for writing assignments that add money to your vacation account every week. You decide how much freelance work you'd like. You stay at home, at your comfy desk or kitchen table. If your kid is like mine, this option works out very well. You make money for vacation and it doesn’t really feel like work.

Take a Hike, Give Up the Gym

Ah, the ties that binds. My gym and I were together for more than 10 years, but when I added up all the days I couldn't get there--because I work, have a child, and like to make extra money--spending $50 per month did not make sense. Now, I have a new pair of running shoes and I’ll workout from home!

Drink Tap Water

Okay, that's harsh. But think about how much you spend on bottled water! We spent more than enough on bottled water. Every Tuesday morning, we collected the water bottles for recycling. There's so much waste associated with bottled water. Your municipal water authority makes sure the water is potable--but if you're worried, call them or buy a water filtration device for the kitchen tap. We use Brita, and our water tastes great. Check out http://thewaterproject.org/bottled_water_wasteful.asp now!

Now, you see? Make a few savings adjustments can make you a little extra money. The thousands of dollars you save pays for a nice vacation. You and your children deserve it!

Shaye is a single mom that has a passion for family, budgeting, healthy living, fitness, and travel. She loves finding new ways to cook healthier and stay fit, all while doing it on a budget. She has a beautiful son and one eccentric dog, but wouldn’t have it any other way.. Follow her blog at http://simplyshaye.wordpress.com!  

Vacation

I took a vacation from work last week. I didn't go anywhere and Ryder still went to daycare. The first few days were difficult. I was very depressed and cried a lot. Therapy helped a lot, per usual. Therapy Thursdays are probably the reason that Fridays are so good.

It all started with a simple trip to the grocery store. I HATE the grocery store. I shop every other week and buy enough for two weeks so I can minimize the times I have to go. This time was particularly bad. I was buying something that I do not usually buy and couldn't find it. I was freaking out. Seriously. When I left I swore I would never go back. I went back on Thursday, though.

This triggered my depression. I didn't want to do anything. I went to visit a couple of friends and was in a bad mood. I tried to enjoy myself, but it didn't quite work as planned. This upset me even more. I love these people and love their company. What was wrong with me?

This past weekend, though, was wonderful. I went out with my Boyfriend. We dined at The Great Escape which was delicious! I got a tattoo from The Purple Scorpion - my first. We went to a dinner party and then saw Wrath of the Titans in IMAX 3D. Very cool. By Sunday I was really missing Ryder, he had vacationed at my parents house for a few nights. We met at the Red Hook Brewery for a late lunch/early dinner.

All in all, I think it was a good vacation. At least it ended on a good note.

Oh, and thank you so much for voting for my blog! I ended up 16th on the Circle of Moms Top 25 Single Moms! Thanks!

Summer, O Summer, Where Hath Thee Gone?

<p>Another summer is coming to a close and I feel like mine was not complete. Which is ridiculous. I went to Canada, North Conway, camping, swimming, hiking, letterboxing, and went on a few dates. What is wrong with me? </p>
<p>I feel like we didn't go to the pool enough, so I desperately want to go this weekend, but there is a friggin hurricane coming. </p>
<p>I think it stems from plain old mommy guilt. I work all week, then I try to spend time outdoors on the weekend. That's really all I get with him, the weekends, and that makes me feel shitty. To top that off, Ryder goes to summer school, so this is his real first week off, just to start again in two weeks. His school is only 10 hours a week and he loves it, but I still feel guilty. I hated school and I assume everyone else does to.</p>
<p>He is such a happy boy. He loves everyone and he does way more than I got to do when I was young, yet I constantly worry I am not enough.</p>
<p>Speaking of that, every once in a while I get so angry that I don't receive child support. I do fine by myself, but I find myself dreaming how life would be with an extra $100 a week. I could get the internet at home. Buy a new (used) car that I could love. I see fathers who pay child support and struggle a bit. Yet Ryder's father gets off scott free. And the amount he owes is so large that that amount makes no difference what it is. What's the difference between a hundred and a million when you are getting nothing? That makes me angry.</p>
<p>That covers guilt and anger. I have, actually, been happy lately. I am staying busy and have had some adult time lately. Man how I've missed adult time.</p>

Summers are not long enough. Weekends are not long enough. Days are not long enough.

Vacation Blues

It is the end of the fourth day of my vacation. As much as I have enjoyed not going to work, I have not been happy. I have felt guilty about not being at work. I have been feeling very lonely not having anyone to talk to. I have been sad and bored, even when I am doing something.

A couple times I was doing something fun and I just wanted to stop and lay down in bed. I just feel like crying all the time. I thought a vacation would help me shake this depression off. Au contraire, it seems to be making it worse.

So, I'm sitting in a hotel room, watching mtv, and sorta wishing someone was here with me. Anyone would do, really. I wish I was at home, in my bed, crying.

How Far to Heaven?

"How far to heaven? Just open your eyes and look. You are in heaven" -Shankar

We were on top of Pike's Peak in Colorado and it was probably the most beautiful place I've ever been.  It was amazing.  We were in the clouds and I felt like we were in heaven.

Too Much History!

When I didn't have any money, I didn't go anywhere.  I didn't have any money to do anything.  But now that I have some money saved, I have been finding all of these free things to do.  Why didn't I find these things before?  I guess even leaving the house costs money; gas, food.

Have you ever heard of Letterboxing?  If not, click on the link and check it out - it's like a treasure hunt.  The first couple boxes I looked for, I couldn't find, which was pretty discouraging, but I found three today and now I feel like making this a full time job!


So, I found these boxes while we were exploring Concord, MA today.  Orignally I just wanted to go see Walden Pond, but we got sucked into all sorts of history.  Walden Pond is really high right now because of all of the rain we've been getting.  There is no inlet or outlet, so I suppose it's not going anywhere any time soon.

We went over to Sleepy Hollow and Author's Ridge where we saw the graves of Thoreau, Emerson, and Alcott.  Old cemetaries are always cool.  I looked for a couple of letterboxes over there, but couldn't find them.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Then we went over to the old North Bridge where the "shot heard 'round the world" was fired.

We don't care about no stinking rain!

Good Things

Top of Pike's Peak

Denver Zoo

Our family at Liz and Justin's wedding

Ryder with the Bride and Groom

The Last Night

I am so sad tonight.  I am so sad to have to leave Colorado tomorrow morning.  It is the first time I've cried all week.

I love it here.  Now I remember why I felt so homesick for Denver.  It is awesome here.  It is beautiful.   There is so much to see and do.  There is the city and there is the mountains.  The weather is literally perfect.  All the time.  I love my friends and their families.  I love the diverse food selection.  I love the green chili. 

I am so sad to have to return to my life back East.  I am sad to return to my rut.  To the stresses of my family and work.  To the go-nowhere job.  To my loneliness. 

I need to change something when I get back.  This is not the normal "Oh, man, it sucks that my vacation is ending."  It is more like "Fuck, please don't make me go back."  I've been so relaxed all week and now I am just crazy upset.

Something needs to change when I get back, but what?

Reasons Why Denver Rocks

Lists

I Need Your Opinions

A couple of things:


First, there is a couple at work, V and R, they are post docs (read: supervisors) and they are Indian. They have always talked to each other in Hindi and it never bothered me much. Then two new Indian people started working with us, L and P. P is super and she knows that it is rude to speak in Hindi in front of me so she doesn't. But V and R do and do a lot more now.


Two instances bother me. The first, they were speaking in Hindi, and P made some mistake and they were trying to fix it. R started laughing and looked at me knowingly and gave me the can-you-believe-it look. I asked what happened. He said "She wants to know what happened. You want to tell her?" I would not have cared about any of it, had he not included me, then didn't want to tell me.


The next instance was yesterday. I was working with P. Standing right next to her and V came over to tell her that she was doing something wrong. In Hindi. P then had to translate for me. Why didn't she just say it in English and we all would have understood the first time?


Question: Should I say something? And if so, who should I tell what? The guy in charge above them is absent most of the time. What do you think?


Second, my father-in-law and his wife live in Denver. When I lived out there, they were nice to me. They are really strange, and quite dysfunctional, but nice enough. They haven't met Ryder. They don't call or send cards. Biannually, they email me. While they are nice, I am not particularly fond of them.


Question: I plan on going out there for two weeks. Do you think I have an obligation to spend a day with them? I probably will anyways, but do you think I am obligated?


Finally, while on vacation, I want to go to Yosemite. It will be just Ryder and I.


Question: Do you think it is safe to stay out there by ourselves?


That is all for now. I am sure I will need your opinion again soon enough. Thanks!

No Thank You

Image by makelessnoise via Flickr

Dear Friends and Family,

I appreciate the offers extended to Ryder and myself, but no, we do not want to camp in your backyard.

I know that you have been hearing me complain that people keep ditching me so I can't go camping. As you know, I do not feel that it is safe for the two of us to go on our own. I know you are just trying to be helpful, but no, we really do not want to camp in your backyard.

I agree. It would be terribly convenient to be so close to a flushing toilet, shower and stove. Might I point out how close to actual beds we would be sleeping? If I am going to sleep on your property, it will be on a bed with sheets surrounded by walls that keep the bugs out. Oh, and electric lights.

Again, I appreciate the sentiment, but I feel that it just would not be the same.

Love,
Raine

Confession Time

That's what it is all about, right? That's why you tune in, right? Well, here it goes.

Before I went on vacation, I wasn't sure that I would be able to handle being with my son for an entire week. Was I really going to tend to his every need by myself for an entire week? Sure, I had pretty much done that when he was a babe, but since he was 5 months he has been in daycare.

Sometimes on weekends, I feel like I can't handle it.

So, here I am, back at work (not working, obviously) and I am not lamenting the fact that I am here, but that Ryder is not. While I was walking today, I just wanted to feel his little hand in mine. I want to talk about choo choo trains for hours. I thought that I was over this missing-him-while-he's-at-daycare thing. Apparently not.

He fully enjoyed our vacation. He never complained because we didn't go camping. He wasn't disappointed that it rained and we couldn't go to Palace Playland. He was okay with staying in a hotel. He loved the trains. Oh, god, did he love the trains.

Perhaps, vacation didn't go as planned. I got something better out of it that wasn't planned, either. I can be a mother for an entire week. I wish I could spend every week with him.

Through The Looking Glass

I am laying in a hotel room watching my red sox lose. This is not where I was supposed to be tonight. I was supposed to be camping. But then I wouldn't be able to tell you about this place right now.

I feel like I am in a different world. One in which I was familiar with once in my life, but have become detached from. I am in North Conway, NH. I am in an area of the country where they don't bother paving driveways or parking lots or roads. A place where you can park right downtown for free - not a single meter to be seen. And it is 2 hour parking! For free! And speaking of parking - don't stress about parallel parking. There is no need for that around here.

Cell phone service is pretty spotty. Forget about the Internet (Ive finally got it working after trying for hours). But, its almost a blessing. I don't have to check my voicemail. And when I do, I get all my messages at once. Call back? Sorry, no service!

It is so pretty out here. Ill post pics later. I love mountains. It is so peaceful. I didn't hear a single car alarm at all last night.

As we were driving around, I kept seeing things that reminded me of my childhood. That "Welcome to Conway" sign? I remember pulling over in front of it so that my dad could go into the cooler in the trunk to get us all drinks. That store Joe Jones with the jingle that we used to sing along to. Headlines where my friend bought her first bowl. That chocolate store that I knew had German candy because it was a "Haus."

Its actually been a pretty stressful trip so far. There is some family stuff going on and I was supposed to be camping, but I am not. The people I was supposed to meet couldn't come, so I figured it wouldn't be safe on my own. I was really quite upset. I am lonely at home. Now I am lonely in the middle of the wilderness.

But right now, laying in this hotel room, with my babe, it is perfect.