What I Would Do Without Work

10 things you would do if you didn't have to work

1. Sleep in!
2. Bring Ryder to the park. We don't get the chance to go very often.
3. Travel. To anywhere.
4. Put him on the bus. I've only done it once and that was only because I was running horribly late.
5. Volunteer in Ryder's classroom. All the other parents get to...
6. Run. A lot.
7. Attend all those classes that are only offered during the weekdays.
8. Blog more.
9. Learn how to cook and then cook all the time.
10. Demand that no one else had to work either.

Who Sucked Out the Feeling

So here I am again. I've been having a good time. I've been hanging out with my beau, my family, my son. Work has been going okay. Same shit, you know. For some reason I cannot get into a sitting position today. I finally left my bed just to lay down on the couch.

Fucking depression. It hits at any time. It doesn't even care that my life is pretty good right now. It just waltzes it's ass in and sits on top of me. Threatening to choke me. Suck my breath out.

It is starting to become one of those times that I really need to talk to someone, but can't call anyone. I feel dumb calling someone for purely selfish reasons.

I had a couple of nightmares where I commuted several acts of arson. It was horrible. In the dreams I felt really bad about it, but felt like I needed to, anyways. I don't know.

My scar, at time like these, reminds me of how bad things can get. How bad I do not want to reach that point. I use the scar as a reminder of the pain.

Invisible Illness Week

Invisible Illness Week was last week, so I'm pretty late with this, but I think it is interesting enough to do any week. I found it on my pal, Mel's, blog. She has Rheumatoid Arthritis and hip bursitis. Go check out her blog and learn more about RA.


1. The illness I live with is: Severe depression, panic disorder, and agoraphobia

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year:  2004, officially

3. But I had symptoms since: as long as I can remember. My earliest panic attack was somewhere between 4 and 6 years old.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: Being aware that my intrusive thoughts are caused by depression and I can do something about them.

5. Most people assume: That I'm just a bit sad and should just get over it

6. The hardest part about mornings are: Caring enough to get up

7. My favorite medical TV show is:  I don't really watch TV

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: My phone - I love it

9. The hardest part about nights are: Getting to sleep and then staying asleep

10. Each day I take minimum 5 pills some days up to 8

11. Regarding alternative treatments: I've tried loads of things to get me to sleep and to stay asleep, but that is it

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose:  invisible, if I really had to choose

13. Regarding working and career: It is difficult to work or just get to work, when you don't care about anything. Or on the flip side, I get panicky really quickly, so any stress could cause a panic attack

14. People would be surprised to know: How quickly I can go from normal to depressed as shit

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been:  It is not really new

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: Connect with others with similar situations

17. The commercials about my illness:  Usually depict depression as a black cloud. I wish it were just a black cloud. It trivializes it

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is:  again, I've really always had it

19. It was really hard to have to give up: See above

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is:  Blogging

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Be at peace with the world

22. My illness has taught me: Not to judge others, who knows what they are thinking

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is:  "I'm so depressed that I'll never see a new Harry Potter movie again." That is not depressed. That is sad.

24. But I love it when people: Ask how I am

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: "God grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: It will be okay.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: How many other people have the same problems

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Watch Ryder for me

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I'm pretty much not. But I want to help spread awareness about depression and anxiety and let people know they are not alone

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Special. It is a long list and there are no chocolate or vanilla questions

You Love When I'm Angry

Take a look over there on the right. There is a list of my most awesome-est posts. Bridge to Terabithia is always first. It used to be one of the first images on Google image search, but I can't seem to find it today. Then there are four angry posts: Resentment, An Epic Post, Sometimes I Hate Being a Mom, and Fucking People, Man. These are really angry posts. I do like them, and I thought about reposting one, but they are really angry, and I am not angry right now. Why do you like my angry posts? Is it the honesty? Is it the foul language? Am I just good at communicating my anger?

On a side note, one of my traffic sources is some porn site. What? How is that even happening? Then a few others are in Russian. You probably don't know this about me, but I cannot speak, read, or write Russian.

Blog stats can be very strange.

Hire Me - Please?

Today's Bloggy Mom's Blog Dare is: What brand should hire me to represent them in social media...


Lucky Brand should totally hire me. As we speak my outfit is from Lucky. I love their clothes. They are so comfy... If I could get free shit or even paid (gasp!) that would be awesome. Maybe they will read this...


I usually buy Lucky stuffs from Marshall's. It is way cheaper than at the store.


Who should hire you?

First Panic Attack

I think of the day of my first panic attack as the day that I was born. I was between 4 and 6 years old. I have no idea what the date or even the season was, but I remember the panic attack. I feel like that was the day that changed everything. The day panic seized control of my life.

I was lying in bed. I believe that I had just woken up. I was staring at my wallpaper. It was some kind of kid wallpaper that you would put in a nursery. Slowly I felt my head getting smaller while my extremities grew enormously. They were going to get so big that I would not be able to lift them. In my mind's eye there was a hammer on the wallpaper. Bang. Bang. Bang. It was banging, rhythmically, in my head. I had no idea what was going on. I would not find out what went on until well into college. I believe I laid there for quite sometime before it subsided enough to get up. I tried telling my parents but I did not have the words to express how I felt.

It was so scary, not unlike the panic attacks I have now.