Deserving or Undeserving: The Test

1. She swallowed bleach and was miraculously saved. Is she inspiring or attention seeking?

2. She hadnt swallowed enough pills before her parents came home. Inspiring or attention seeking?

3. He loves food and has a heart attack in public - do we give him nitroglycering?

4. He loves heroin and od's. Do we give him narcan?

5. He worked all his life and was laid off at 52. Worthy or unworthy of public assistance?

6. My boyfriend left me with a child to raise. Worthy or unworthy of public assustance?

7, My parents immegrated here legally and I grew up here. In state tuition?

8. My parents immegrated her illegally and I grew up here. In state tuition?

Easy You Say??

“She should leave him” they said. “None of us would put up for that shit, that’s for sure.”

Yeah? You think? Well, what about when I put up with the shit? Is this what you were saying behind my back too? I put up with it until DSS gave me a choice: my baby or my husband. I’m not sure I would have made the hard call, had I not been forced to.

And of course now that my situation is far enough in the past it is easier for people to forget who they are talking to and where I come from. She was telling me how anyone would leave him.

“Oh yeah? Well, I’m telling you from experience, it isn’t that easy. She is now in the position of either putting up with the shit or being a single mom. I’m telling you right fucking now that that is not an easy decision for anyone to make. If you disagree then you are either wrong or a way better person than me.”

Baseball

He bats so much better during practice. He hits the ball almost accidentally. He swings the bat casually and runs almost without a destination. He hits the bag and pauses for a moment to see where the ball is. He sees it's far enough away to take another base. He looks a little bobble head-ish with his batting helmet. He looks so cute with the baseball cap. He grabs his mitt and saunters to the outfield. He sees the ball coming towards him but just watches as it passes by. He hears the unmistakable crack of the bat hitting the ball and decides to go after this one. He grabs the ball and tosses it to a teammate like a pitcher on opening day. It's only practice but for young boy it might as well be life.

#SoCutex #HealthyNails #contest

I know I haven't spent much time on here recently. I just haven't had a lot to say. It isn't that anything has happened, quite opposite really. But, since most of you are writers yourselves, I am sure you understand.

I have been getting a bunch of free stuff from @Influenster. I think there's a badge over on the sidebar somewhere. Today I've been using Cutex Advanced Revival Nail Polish Remover Pads from @CutexNails. Here they are in action:





So, as you can see from my slightly shocked reaction. They work way better than I was hoping. The pads are really quite wet, but not dripping. They work really quickly and easily. Also, they get into the annoying dips and crevices in my nails quite well. The pads are pretty cold though, I am not sure why.

The Sorcery Code

I am somewhat suspicious of young adult novels. How interesting could they really be to a well-read adult? Mostly my answer is very. Do not underestimate a book based on the number of pages or the ease of reading. There are some great young adult fiction such as The Giver, Maze Runner, Eragon, and, now, The Sorcery Code.

The Sorcery Code is an unique story about a sorcerer who creates a being that is supposed to help the human race. What he creates is more than he ever imagined possible. In addition to the fear that this creature will ruin the way of life, there is a fear that it will destroy all life.

The characters and plot points are developed within the book, but I am really looking forward to the rest of the series to see how they are further developed. I like characters that are grey - by which I mean they are neither good nor bad. Maybe we disagree with their methods, but see where they are coming from, or vice versa. I love having my initial impression of a character challenged, and this book does a good job of that in such a short span of time.

 I would recommend this book to anyone who likes fantasy, but does not want to keep track of family trees and complex maps to understand it. Don't be fooled by the ease of reading - this book is much more than a book written for youngsters!

 I have received this book free for the purpose of reviewing it, but all opinions are very much my own.

A Rose

“What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet” –Shakespeare “My hotel doesn't have a 13th Floor because of superstition, but c'mon man... People on the 14th Floor, you know what floor you're really on.” –Hedberg They are not garbage men, right? They are sanitation workers. I’m not manic-depressive, I am bipolar. Actually I have bipolar disorder. Please, we both know what mentally ill means – crazy. Don’t give me that shit.

The Watchers: Knight of Light

I have to be honest here. This book was written by a 15 year old. And it reads like it. I have read a decent amount of young adult fiction and this is probably the worst. Think Fifty Shades of Grey without the sex.

It is actually a bit interesting how they take the parts that should be interesting and kind of skip over them. The girl is running from a demon in the beginning of the book and all of a sudden the sun is coming up and she's in a field. Wait. What? Where's the demon? Did she out run it? I didn't finish the book so if any of you actually get to the end, don't tell me. I don't really care.

I received this book free for the purpose of reviewing it. Obviously all opinions are my own.

First time in Forever

I received a copy of Oasis: The Last Humans: Book 1 by Dima Zales to review. It is a quick and easy read. It is definitely geared towards young adults, but I know that there are a lot of adults out there enjoying young adult fiction. This book really reminded me of The Giver. I would suggest Oasis to anyone who liked The Giver. Some of the smaller aspects of the book were a bit predictable, but the big question was a complete surprise. I like that in a book! I am definitely going to read Book 2.

All opinions are my own.

Shitty people and the crap they leave you with

After spending so much time with shitty people it's hard to stop being afraid. For the longest time, I was legit afraid of men. I am still somewhat. People are dangerous and unpredictable.

But not everyone, really.

It was normal to be surrounded by people who I didn't know. Strangers. People who could do anything. I was around people who would steal your things the minute you turned your back. People who were drug dealers. People who ripped off drug dealers. People who didn't give a shit who they put in danger, whether it was you, them, children, didn't matter.

I had a mother-in-law who I had only met at a court appearance. I had a father-in-law whose quality time included an NA meeting. A husband who was no stranger to overdoses. I couldn't even depend on him to wake up in the morning. A boyfriend who insisted I was hitting on our waiter.

I've had game systems stolen. My car was stolen twice. My ring. Money. My sense of security. I have hid from guns. I knew someone who was so fucked up he set his apartment on fire and killed his grandmother.

People would stop showing up when they went to jail. "Friends" who would flee from the cops after getting everyone arrested. Friends who were advised by their lawyers not to talk to you. Friends who would stop talking to you after you told them to leave their husband after he had attempted to kill them.

I wish I was exaggerating. I wish I could say that this happened to someone else. I wish I could tell you that after so many years I have gotten over all of this. I cannot. I have not.

I've met great people since then. I have a very hard time trusting them. I know they will let me down. I know they will make me uncomfortable. I know I am better off by myself. But I'm not. There are some great people out there and I need them around. I need to learn to trust them and me. It's hard though. Even after a decade, it's a lesson I'm still working on.

God?

I grew up Catholic and went to Catholic school until 3rd grade. Then we moved and couldnt afford private school. Soon we stopped going to church because the church wouldnt accept my parent's non-Catholic friends as godparents for my sister. There was very little talk of religion growing up and in school I fell in love with science.

During my teenage years, I started declaring myself agnostic. I didnt know if there was a god, but I didnt really put much thought into it either. I didnt really care. I figured agnostic was safe because I could not care, but if there was a god, I was safe too.

Finally, as my knowledge of science increased, my disbelief did as well. What bibles and preachers said did not fit into the observable world. I am now a proud atheist. I do not look down on people for believing in a higher power, in fact, sometimes I envy them. I think life would be easier if I could blame a god for things that happen or ask a god for help with difficult situations. Maybe I would not feel so alone. On the other hand, I like not being deceived. I see things as they are. I dont accept things that I dont understand as something a god does. No, I question things and I investigate things and I learn. I take responsibility for my actions and believe others should as well. I do not hate in the name of any higher power. I believe all people are equal. 

While I am not an antitheist, I do believe that religion can be detrimental sometimes. I am not against it, as a whole, because of all of the good it does bring, especially to those in need, but I do believe that without it, peace would be more attainable.

Finally, I should admit, that if there were hard evidence of such an entity I would be open minded and consider said evidence. I do not expect such evidence to exist, though.

Depression is an Illness

It is truly amazing what an effect medication has on my life and how much different it is without it. I was feeling terrible, so I started my Abilify up again and the sadness melted away. Now I am out of the meds and into the darkness. I am currently unemployed and my doctor doesn't take Mass Health, so here I am. I'm going to try to call him. I have to be able to work something out to get what I need.

Who knew though? A tiny blue pill could be the difference between not caring and caring. Between light and dark. If this doesn't convince me that it is a physical problem, not some psychosomatic thing, I don't know what can. I always wonder if it is all in my head. And I guess it is, but it is a physical problem in my brain.

I usually don't consider myself "sick." I consider myself "crazy." There is a world of difference there. I forget that depression is a legit illness, like the flu or cancer or something, and it can be fatal. The depression does that, though. Convinces me that it is my fault. I am broken in some way. How can I expect other people to treat depression as an illness if I do not even believe it myself?

It is hard and the depression makes everything in the world way harder than normal. I want to share this great post I read: 10 Ways to Show Love to Someone with Depression. I think this is a great article for significant others and caregivers, but I also think it is a great article for the person who is depressed as well. In a way, you are your own caregiver as well. In a way, I think it is actually harder for you to love yourself while depressed than it is for someone else to love you. They always love you. I know that I do not love me. I need to work on that. Bring myself outside. Encourage myself to care for myself. Challenge my own destructive thoughts. Remind myself why I should love myself.

This is so hard.

Don't Follow Your Dreams

People who tell you to follow your dreams should have some kind of disclaimer. "You might fuck up your life and not even achieve your dream" or "You might find out that your dream kinda sucks, a little too late," or "Single moms need not apply."

I had a dream. I had a dream that I might be a social worker and get out of science. Well, let me tell you, I did get out of science. I'm no social worker, though. Nope. I do nothing. Except search desperately for a job.

You know, this goes back to me feeling like I'm always doing things the right way yet they never work out for me. School, then marriage, then children. Yeah, that didn't really work out so well. Now it was: take night classes online while working full-time. Check. Pretty hard and my child hated it, but I did it. Next was to do an internship. I fought for the internship and finally, after 6 months, I secured one. I tried to make it work for a month. My job made it very difficult for me and I could not do both. I quit the internship and when I asked for my normal shift back, they said no. So I had to quit. And, because I dropped the internship, I now owe the school $3000, which I need to pay in order to begin there again.

So I have nothing. No job. No school. No way to get into a new school because with an outstanding bill I do not have access to my transcripts. Oh, and because I cannot get a transcript, I cannot use my schooling to get a new job (government jobs, at least, require proof.)

In short, don't follow your dreams. I was told by many many people to just do it. It'll work out. "How will I do an internship, though?" Don't worry, they said, you don't know what your circumstances will be then. Nope, I had no idea that the circumstances were the exact fucking same and I wouldn't be able to do it. It did not work itself out. It fucked up everything. What am I supposed to do now? Where is all of the good advice now?

Doing Nothing

Most people, when they say they are doing nothing, actually mean "I'm watching a show I don't really care about," or "I'm painting my nails," or "Reading Reddit." When someone suffering from depression isn't doing anything, I tell you, we are not doing anything. I can literally sit for an hour, not moving, not watching anything, not talking, nothing. It is like I am too sad to even move. Even just standing up is beyond comprehension.

My grandmother suffered from depression and sometimes she would enter these catatonic-like states where she wouldn't move. She spent months at a time in the hospital. That was a long time ago, of course. There is no health insurance in the world who would pay for that shit nowadays. It makes me wonder, though, would I have been hospitalized fifty years ago?

Doing nothing isn't easy, either. I am too depressed to move, so I do nothing. Because I am doing nothing I feel like I am wasting time. Which makes me feel worse. Which makes me want to move even less. Which makes me feel worse. Etc. Usually, best-case scenario is that I fall asleep and wake up with a little more motivation. At least enough to get up. That is a start.

So, sometimes, when someone tells you they aren't doing anything they might be sitting in front of an open window getting soaked because they cannot get up to close it. Thankfully they still have the will to speak to you, so there is hope.

Sadness and Hopelessness

**Trigger Alert**

You know, everyone is talking about Robin Williams and depression. I'm kinda mixed about it because hearing about depression constantly is making me very very depressed, yet I am glad that people are talking about it. Maybe they are too much. You can tell that a lot of people who are talking about it do not suffer themselves. It was suggested that maybe in the wake of this tragedy people will get help for themselves. I think, for me, I take it completely oppositely. He was a very successful man with a lot of money, doctors, friends, family, support. He was open about his struggles. He was open about going to rehab and such. He was funny and brought a lot of joy to a lot of people's lives. And he could not escape the darkness. If such a successful man with so many resources couldn't do it, why do I think I can? I don't even have a job. I can't even afford to go to my doctor any more. Maybe I'm the only one who is thinking like this, but probably not. I think for someone who feels so hopeless already, this news just deepens it. And the constant talk about it makes it worse.

I Was Such a Jerk

I mean, I know we were all jerks as kids and/or teenagers. I mean, we were, weren't we? Well, I was.

I went to a lot of shows with my friends. Concerts, plays and I almost always drove. I had a car and I liked to drive. And I had a bunch of lame friends who had cars but didn't want to "put the miles on it." Anyways, I drove.

We'd find a show, ask enough people to fill the car and off we'd go. This one time, at the end of senior year, we were going to a show. I can't even remember which one. I asked my friend Matt if he wanted to come with us. He did and he bought a ticket. Apparently more people were invited than could fit in my car so I told Matt he'd have to find his own ride. He got angry, appropriately. I countered with I asked you if you wanted to see the show, I didn't say that you could ride with us. What an asshole and ridiculous response. Of course he was right in assuming that he'd be riding with us, that's how it always worked.

That was the end of our friendship.

We are now friends on facebook, 15ish years later. I want so badly to apologize and tell him I was a complete asshole, but I've read that people don't want to be reminded of these things. That apologizing for something that happened in high school will make me feel better, but it is not necessarily what the other person wants, so I don't.

But I wish so badly that I hadn't done it in the first place.


P.S. Come like my facebook page!

Happy?

There's been a few changes around here. I went from full-time to part-time and started an internship at a homeless shelter. My work made it extremely difficult to have a part-time schedule so I had to quit the internship. I asked to be returned to full-time and they said that they could not do that, so I quit.

So today begins Day 3 unemployed. So far I am absolutely loving it. I'm relaxed. I have more energy and patience for my son. I have more time to walk my dog. I have time to hang out with my wonderful boyfriend. I have been reading. I have been letterboxing. I am scheduled to volunteer at Ryder's school. I've been drinking those great new Arnold Palmer Coolattas (Dunkies, if you want to send me some of them to review I will be happy to!) I thought I would be bored, but this is not the case at all. There are a ton of more things I want to do.

I have applied for a job or two. I feel like I should knock on wood because I do not want to be unemployed forever. But, seriously, I'm really digging it.

This might be happy. I'm not sure because it is not a feeling I am really too familiar with, but maybe.

No Child Support No Fair

It isn't fucking fair that some people get away with not paying their child support. It is not like the asshole has dropped off the face of the earth. I have some information on him. HOW HARD CAN IT BE?

The state has the ability to intercept his paychecks, any workers comp, unemployment, social security, bank accounts, property, can deny him licences and passports. If they owe enough (still not sure how much) they can put out an arrest warrant. With all of these abilities, why can I not get any money?? I know for a fact that the Department of Social Services in New Hampshire knew where he was, at least at one point. Still, I don't get shit.

I see reports about how people are complaining that they are owed $1,000 in back payment. I WISH I was only owed $1,000.

Fired

Have you ever been fired?

I have been. I was in school and I was sharing a car, so when I went to the gas station for my interview and was told I would be working 2 - 10 every Saturday I was psyched. Exactly what I needed.

But not so much. I was under the impression that I had a set schedule. The schedules came out on Mondays and it was kinda far from my house, so I never checked it. This became a problem quite quickly when management kept scheduling me for different hours - usually more hours. So when I showed up on Saturday at 2 and the people were pissed because I was supposed to be there at noon, I told them I was told when I was hired, that I was working 2 - 10.

This did not make me popular. Actually everyone hated me and this continued for a few months. Finally I found a different job at a restaurant and I put in my two week notice. I was moving the Saturday after I put in my notice and had requested the day off. Again, I didn't check my schedule and didn't know I wasn't given the day off. I mean, I would've taken the day off either way because I was moving - what did they want me to do?

So, while I was moving, I got a phone call telling me I was fired. But how could I be fired after I had quit??



P.S. Come like my facebook page!

TED Talks Depression

I love TED. There are some good talks on depression. The first one here is from a teenager who has depression and talks about his experiences:


This next one is a middle-aged man who talks about his experiences, as well, but in a slightly more academic way:

4

Depression: Day 4

I'm so over this. There is way too much to do to be stuck in bed. I have too much work to do, yet it gets harder and harder every day to go.

I am overwhelmed.

I don't even know what to write, where to start.

The worst part is that there is no end in sight. No light at the end. I mean, maybe, but the light is dim and too many years away. By then I will have missed so much.

People make me sad. The state of the world makes me sad. People who blame themselves for things they could not have prevented, ironically, make me sad.

I have been happier lately. Maybe this is my depression reminding me who is in charge here.