Sad and Confused

Some rules I really believe in.  Some laws are in place for reasons, good reasons.  Some rules and laws I just disregard.  Some laws are dumb.  I think where my real issue lies is when other people do not pick and choose the same as I do.

When we were in Denver I got really annoyed with the ride operators at the zoo.  When I worked there, we were super strict.  Keep your shit inside the train and no playing on the carousel.  I believed that I didn't want anyone to get hurt, but I think I just didn't want to get in trouble.  My boss was strict and so were we.  Now, though, there really isn't a boss - and they are happy.  Goddamn bowls full of sugar these girls were.  So nice.  So sweet.  Totally pissed me off.  They didn't yell to keep your shit inside the train.  They encouraged you to toot along with it.  They weren't the carousel police.  They annoyed me.

Driving.  Of course normal things piss me off (not stopping at stop signs, running red lights, etc.) but smaller things do too.  I hate it when someone stops as if they have a stop sign, but don't.  Or when someone goes, but it is my turn.  That always causes me to honk my horn, because I still try to go, to make a point, I guess?  People get so angry when I honk.  Way more angry than I was when I honked.  I don't know if it is the horn, if it is the out of state tags, if they think they were not in the wrong, but every time they yell at me and are just very very angry.

A couple weeks ago my mom was following me downtown.  A big ol' truck (I hate them anyways) did not like that my mom was stopping for pedestrians, so passed her - on the right.  Then passed me on the right and cut me off to then take a left.  Follow that?  So I honked and then passed them, as they waited to take their left.  The woman in the passenger seat yelled "Go back to Maine, you fucking hick."  I just couldn't believe how angry she was.  She was way angrier than I was, and I didn't do anything wrong.  Sometimes I think that maybe I am being unreasonable or too sensitive, but this time I literally did nothing but honk at these people because they did something completely wrong and dangerous.

I can't believe how angry some people get, and I can get fucking angry.

Having Maine plates does bother me sometimes, as does being white in a Hispanic neighborhood.  I feel like people are looking at me wondering why I am here.  Sometimes I feel like yelling "I LIVE HERE TOO!"

I ought to explain the wide rift there exists between residents and tourists in Salem.  I suppose any touristy town like Plymouth and Aspen would have a similar problem.  Some people actually wear t-shirts that say "I live here."

There is this beggar in a wheel chair that likes to sit in the road.  In.The.Road.  I think it is easier for him to beg to drivers that way.  He always asks me for money when I walk by and when I don't give him money, he mumbles something in Spanish.  I know it is something about me.  I feel like saying "I live here too.  I am poor too."

There was this Jamaican man that I used to work with.  "Why don't you own a house?" he asked one day.

"Why don't you own a house?"  I replied.

"Because I don't have any money."

"Well, I don't have any money either."

"But you are a white woman, you can get money."

"From where?"

"From the bank."

"I can only get money from a bank if I go in there with a gun."

"No, you are white, so they will give you money."  I couldn't convince him that it didn't exactly work that way.  The bank is way more concerned with my shitty credit than the color of my skin or my citizenship.

Anyways, I am not sure where I was going with all this.  I seem to have lost my way.  I guess what I have meant to convey is that I often feel misunderstood.  I obey rules, but it's because I don't want trouble.  I honk, but not to anger you.  I am white, but I am not privileged.