I had finally felt ahead. I had some money in the bank and enough to go out to dinner once in a while. Then, the car shit the bed. I was so upset. I worked so hard to get into this position just for it to be taken away by the damn car.
I called my dad and explained how frustrated I felt to go one step forward then pushed two steps back. "That's how life is," he shrugged. "It's been happening to me all my life." I got this sinking feeling. And the unmistakable feeling of losing hope. Why bother? If I am just going to be shot down every single time, why bother trying to get ahead? What the fuck is the point of any of it?
I told my dad later that what he said really made me lose all hope. "That is just how my life is," he said, "I am sure that yours will be different." I was not convinced.
I had bounced a check. Eventually I figured out that I had made a math error six months ago, and it wasn't a problem until now. I was freaking out. The check was paid, it was only $35 fee, I got paid the next day and everything was okay. But I was having a panic attack.
I called my mom. All I wanted was someone to say that it wasn't a big deal. That it was going to be alright. "Holy shit!" exclaimed my mom. "You need to find out why this happened and make sure it NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN! Next time it could be worse. WAY WORSE!" Needless to say this did not help calm my panicking. She was telling me why all the ways I organize my finances were wrong and how they all had to be changed. Right. Now.
Later I told her that she made my panic attack worse. She did not understand. She said, "You called me with a problem and I tried to help you solve it."
Today Ryder had some evaluations at the school. They asked me all of the normal questions, but I didn't know the answers to all of them. "When was his tubes put in his ears?" Uhhh... 11 months? "How many other children are in day care?" Uhhhh... between two and seven? "He sounds congested, has he had a cold?" Uhhhh... no? "Does he know his colors?" Uhhh.... I don't know.
I felt like a shitty mom. Shouldn't I know all the answers to these questions? So I called my mom. "Well, most people do know the answers to all of those questions. Most people know what age the child achieved all his milestones." I told her right away that that doesn't help at all. "Whatever," she replied.
I don't know why I keep going to them for comfort.
I have to remember my mother's birthday and then subtract two so that I can remember my own kid's birthday.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I remember about him getting tubes was that the crib looked like a circus cage.
If you asked him how old he was he'd say a whole hand instead of five.
The only thing I remember about daycare is he was the only boy. For SEVEN years.
Take a deep breath and relax. You're just thinking way too fast.
If it helps at all, my friend asked me the other day how much my kids weighed and how long they were at birth and I couldn't even remember my daughter's length. I felt like a total shit mom for about a minute, and then I figured...who cares? I remember to tell them both how much I love them everyday, and I'm pretty sure the rest doesn't matter as much as we think it does at times. :)
ReplyDeleteWhether or not you remember how many kids are in his daycare is complete bullshit, no one cares about that stuff. I think you're doing great and so do people who matter.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, go here: http://yesthatislovely.blogspot.com/2010/01/something-to-commemorate-some-of-my.html.
You know what? You are doing great. Don't listen to parents, they are from another generation and don't remember what was good anyway.
ReplyDeleteIt's too bad that your parents can't give you some comfort. Something got crossed up in their brains. I can see from your blog that you have good blog friends. It would be great to have both, but for now, use your blog friends for comfort! Do your best, believe in yourself, and love your child. You'll be great.
ReplyDeleteIt is natural to go to our parents for support...I spent my entire adult life doing it, sometimes getting good advice, sometimes getting shot down..but always I would return...now my mom is gone, almost two yrs, and I find myself dialing her number still when things go wrong, and Im an old man...I think it is just our nature to want our parents, ya know....
ReplyDeleteas far as you being a crapy parent..NO! You have raised that boy on your own, the fact that he is a functioning little guy is in large part to you, dont beat yourself up because you cant remember a few dates, you love him and will always be there for him, thats what counts.
chin up friend;)
Ryder is a great kid and you are the reason for that! The fact that you were sitting at his school talking to anyone makes you a good parent. My sister and my best friend are teachers and the stories they tell me about parent who don't care is heartbreaking. THAT IS NOT YOU!!!!
ReplyDeleteOh and your mom sounds just like my mom. It took me many, many years to not look up to her and not go to her for help. She was an amazing mother to us as children and she is a great grandmother. But parenting adults is just not her thing! Like I said, it took a long time to get to this point and of course, I wish things were different, but hey, it is what it is.
Have a good weekend! Love ya girlie!
I'm with Frannie (as usual...she's my "twin").
ReplyDeleteYou have to keep it in perspective. It's easier to judge than to be judged. Were the questions:
Do you love him?
Do you kiss his booboos?
When he wakes in the night for the 30th time, who does he yell for?
Does he like Mac and cheese?
Surely, the everyday, day to day is what is important right now. Keep up the good work.
And, PS I'm saving for my kids' therapy fund instead of college, since I figure they can borrow money for the latter.
I never knew what my kids weighed, ever, when they were babies the dr weighed them, I knew they were growing and then I replaced that little bit of info in my brain with something else. I never knew what size they wore, which confused my mil. When my second was born the nurse told me I could go down to the nursery and get the baby to dress her to go home and I had no clue where the nursery was.
ReplyDeleteYou sound like a pretty normal, great mom to me!!!
The only opinion that matters is yours. So just know that you rock. Period. :)
ReplyDeleteI deleted both mom and dad off my facebook when I deleted a bunch of people last night. I'm waiting for them to call and flip out about it.
ReplyDeleteI always thought they only did this too me. I thought they were angry with me for some reason.
ReplyDeleteRaine, Sorry I have been away for awhile. Your an AMAZING MOTHER!!!! Do not let anyone convince you otherwise. What you remember does not matter. I'd be lying if I told you I could remember what my kids ate for lunch 10 minutes ago.... The fact is you are there when he needs you and you have some really smart friends on here that said it so well, your there in the middle of the night... you kiss his boo boo's.. you do all the important stuff.. Don't worry about everything else!!!
ReplyDeleteThe other day I say heard a commercial for a blood drive asking for people with O negative blood to donate. I realized that I didn't know what type of blodd my daughter had and felt like a shitty parent. Like everyone else has said, we do the right thing on a daily basis and they are loved. That's all that matters.
ReplyDeleteYour mom sounds like mine. I'm just now realizing why she is the way she is and the affect that it has had on my life. Check out my post, it may give you some insight. Go to the website link too! Very helpful.
http://semihippysinglemum.wordpress.com/2009/12/15/my-mother-is-a-narcissist/