When Ryder was only three months old, my exhusband took him out. I don't remember his excuse now, but in retrospect, it was probably a drug related errand. What I do remember is that he brought Ryder into the house in his car seat. He set him down on the floor and I noticed that his belt wasnt buckled. I asked if he had been buckled in the car. My ex giggled and said "Whoops." I was pissed. I started yelling at him and telling him that he could have died. Andrew said I was overreacting, that he could not have died. I said that if there was a car accident he would have been thrown around the car. Andrew said there wouldnt have been an accident because he is a good driver.
The part that angers me is that he was not sorry that he had made a mistake. It is a mistake that most parents make (I assume, although I have not), but regret. He did not. It made me worry that he would do it again. And perhaps he did.
This episode continues to haunt me. I think about it often and I wish that I had left him that day. Of course I didnt. We were together for another couple of months before he went into the hospital for detox and DSS came knocking. Someday I hope I forgive myself.
Keep working on forgiving yourself, Raine. Many people stay in situations like yours (or perhaps worse, I don't know) much longer. Give yourself credit for getting out when you did. And for bravely sharing your story with others.
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog today. I've been reading and reading..jumping around a bit because I like to get a good feel for the blogger before I "follow" or subscribe.
ReplyDeleteI've already seen mention of this incident in another post so I know it upsets you deeply.
You feel like by staying longer than you "should" have that you endangered your child.
Honey...look. Even cold sober people make that EXACT mistake. I did! We were actually driving cross country back from vacation and pulled over because of a storm and realized that although the carseat was buckled in the CAR...the baby wasn't buckled in the seat itself.
This is one you need to let go of. Nothing DID happen. You can't change the past. You have to move forward from this memory and the what-ifs that surround it. :) You can...I've been reading and you are already doing things you never thought you could.