Future Smuture

I think I have mentioned before how when I was in first grade I would look up at the third graders and think how I would never be that big. How I just assumed that I would die before then just because it didn't seem possible. I didn't know until recently that that was depression. I just thought it was how it was.

I think this is the same reason I have made a lot of decisions in my life. Why I was so willy-nilly about college - because I couldn't picture myself going then graduating so I just thought I'd die or something before then. I only applied to one school and didn't really care if I got in or not. I picked a major without really thinking about it. I graduated with a decent gpa but not because I worked hard. I never really thought about getting a job after graduation. I think because I never believed I'd live that long.

I think that is why I'm so unmotivated all the time. I don't want to go to school, I don't really care enough to look for a new job, I'm gonna live in this shitty apartment forever.

I can't even get excited for Greece next summer because it is just too far away. I couldn't even talk about February because who knows what will happen before then.

My therapist urges me to remember to take my antidepressants. I dunno. I think who cares if I plan or not, but then that is probably what got me into the messes I've been in. Marriage? Sure, why not? Tomorrow? Sure, fuck it.

And if I plan things, there is the danger of looking forward to it and therefore the danger of being disappointed. And who wants to be disappointed, right?

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