In Which I Share Too Much

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I hope you do not expect insight every time you click on my link. I don't feel very insightful. Actually, I feel downright shitty.

I am overwhelmed with blogger. Every time I refresh there are a gazillion new posts. I think I need to weed some out. I like them and want to read them, but it makes me terribly anxious looking at them. This was supposed to be stress-relieving, not stress-inducing. It is ridiculous.

Like Facebook. I have now limited myself to farming and checking email once-ish a day. I was getting so frustrated seeing all of these people (some of whom I care nothing about) posting all of this shit that I care nothing about. I do not care what you are eating. That you are going food shopping. That you are watching America's Got Talent. I do not care that your spirit animal is a squirrel or if you were a drug, you would be acid. It is just too much for me.

I know that I need some adult time for myself. I know I need a babysitter. I know I need to meet people. Just typing that, though, makes me want to cry. It causes me sooo much anxiety. I take meds for panic disorder, agoraphobia, depression, and generalized anxiety disorder. Cool, huh? So, I equate taking meds to being sick. The healthy thing to do would be to have some me time. But that causes anxiety so my doc told me to take more meds. Which makes me feel as if I am sicker. Which makes me need to go out even more. Which causes me anxiety. Which causes me to take more meds.....

I finally worked up the courage to ask my daycare lady if she knew any babysitters and she said that she would babysit. I was dangerously close to crying. She is so nice. I don't even think she thought I was a bad mother.

Somehow things I enjoy doing become chores somewhere along the way. Books are like that. So are movies. There are so many to read and watch. How can I just sit around not doing anything when there are so many books and movies to get through? How can I sit down and write if there are so many blogs to read and comment on? Then emails to read and respond to.

I am terribly lonely. It was fairly depressing that my psychiatrist was giving me dating advice. I suppose that is not outside his realm, but I have always felt dating was so embarrassing. Hmm.. Why is that?


Look what they erected outside of my house.



An eff-ing Ferris wheel. This is the view from my porch. I can see it from my bedroom, but its a crappy picture. You'll have to take my word for it.