Too Much

I am having such mixed feelings right now. 

Ryder and I picked up an old friend and his girlfriend this afternoon.  The ex and I used to live with him when we were dating.  He was a lousy roommate, but that is for another time.

We picked them up and went to Chuck E. Cheese.  Apparently the rest of the seacoast had the same idea.  I practically had a panic attack just driving into the parking lot.  We had a lot of fun, even though it was quite overwhelming. 

The girlfriend is awesome, I really liked her.  At one point she took Ryder off and I got to talk to my friend.  He told me that he had spoken to the ex a couple days ago.  He is working in Connecticut.  I felt a little strange about talking about the ex to him, because I don't want to put him in the middle of anything.  Although, I think he likes it.  He was amused that he would be able to tell the ex that he hung out with his kid and ex-wife.  Makes me smile too.

We reminisced a bit about the fun that we had.  I filled both of them in on some of the shittier parts of the divorce.  I talked about Denver and my crazy father-in-law and when you know about him, Ryder never seeing his dad doesn't seem all that weird.

And we also saw a girlfriend of mine that I hadn't seen in about a year.

All this amidst the craziness of Chuck E. Cheese.

Let's review:

• Happy - seeing old friends, making new ones
• Good memories
• Bad memories
• Confused - do I want to know where the ex is?  What he is doing?
• Concerned - the ex suggested offing himself for the life insurance (old threat)
• Sympathetic about the ex's fucked up childhood
• Excited - going on vacation, making future plans with my friends.
• Stressed - large crowds

That is a lot of feelings to sort out.  Ryder and I drove the hour home in silence.  I am exhausted.  I want to talk it out but do not want to verbalize my feelings at the same time.  Verbalizing feelings validates them.  I do not want to work them out, I just want them to go away.