I Am

I Am

I am honest and trusting 

I wonder why I am so sad all the time 

I hear a dull roar 

I see a beautiful person 

I want to travel the world 

I am honest and trusting

I pretend to be calm 

I feel uncertain about time 

I touch a soft lining 

I worry about my son 

I cry when it feels hopeless 

I am honest and trusting

I understand plans change 

I say science will make it clear 

I dream about getting away 

I try to be optimistic 

I hope everything will work out 

I am honest and trusting

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Candy Whore?

I had some Reese's Pieces today. I know you are jealous. Why did I have a bag of them, I am sure you are wondering, why, let me tell you, Loyal Reader.

We were up in Concord, NH, for the evening and we needed a snack. The closest store was a Rite-Aid. Now, I don't think I've been in a Rite-Aid for over a decade, but it was there. We went in and, per usual, we examined every item in the store before settling on the items we looked at first. I spied a buy one get one free sale on the Reese's and I had to have two bags!

We went up to the cashier and she asked if I had one of these Wellness cards. I told her that I didn't but asked that she use the store card. Well, apparently, there is no store card. So, if I wanted my free bag of Reese's (of course I did) I would need to sign up for one of these dumb cards. So, I did. I gave her my phone number and she gave me a Wellness card. I tried to walk away without it, but she made sure I remembered to take it.

I promptly threw it away when I got home. What do I need with one of these cards for? I will never need it again. I hate how they trick you into giving them your phone number for a free bag of candy. Wow. Now I kinda feel like a candy whore.

In case you were wondering, I did not eat both bags at once. Despite how much I wanted to :)

Yummy Cookies

Influenster sent me a complementary Mom VoxBox. See:

The first thing we tried (of course) was the Quaker Soft Baked Cookie. Ryder was a little put off that it was a raisin cookie, he was probably assuming it would be chocolate chip, but like a good mother, I made him try it. "Mmmm! It's good!" Seems like the raisins were alright after all.

And a little side note: the one cookie had 170 calories, but it also had 4 grams of fiber. So one cookie should be enough for a snack. You know I usually have a couple of cookies, when I eat them, but this one was quite filling.

In Which Raine Announces the Time

I have an alarm set on my phone to remind me to take my meds in the afternoon. I don't want to advertise that I take anti-depressants so whenever the super annoying alarm goes off, I just announce to everybody that it is, in fact, 1:30. They rarely care.

6 Of the Best Things About Being An Adult

1. Staying up late this one pretty much goes without saying.

2. Standing on furniture maybe not everyone stands on their coffee table but I reserve the right to.

3. Messing with small children I like to tell my kid once in a while that I am going to leave him with the dog. Then I let him stew on it for a while.

4. Beer I didn't even know what I was missing.

5. Eating as many cookies that I want Four was the magic number growing up. You could have four cookies. Now no one tells me I can only have four.

6. Sex Yup. The best thing about being an adult.

Others

I often wonder if people look at me and think that I am crazy.

I do not hide the fact that I take meds for depression and anxiety. I mean, I do not carry a sign or anything, I just don't deny it when asked.

I wonder if that makes people think I am crazy. Or just the opposite.

I wonder if people look at me and think "She's overweight." Or do I carry the extra poundage well?

I wonder if people think I am a good mom. People say I am, but would you tell someone if they weren't?

I wonder what people think about me. I do not obsess over it, but I do wonder.

Do you?

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Just hooking up with Blogluvin.com over here :)

Goals and Ambition

I have a problem at work. My problem is that I have no ambition. I have no goals. And, you know, I am actually quite content with everything. Not happy, but content.

My job is a stepping stone for grad school/med school/vet school. People work here for 1-2 years then go on their merry way to school. I have been here for 5-6 years already. I have no plans to leave.

Sure, I would love to find a new job, preferably in a far away city somewhere. But who knows? I don't know what kind of job I would be looking for anyways.

I was just listening to a Stuff You Should Know podcast on goals and whether they are good or bad. The consensus is that it depends on the person/situation. They touch on the fact that not everyone has goals. Some people are fine with their mediocre lives. (I assume they are mediocre because if they were really awesome, they probably achieved goals to get their awesome shit.)

I do kind of have a weight loss goal. I would like to lose 10 pounds as quickly as possible. I really don't know a better time frame than that. I don't really know what is reasonable. One month? Two? I guess I could google it, but honestly I don't care enough.

See what I mean?! No ambition. No motivation. This could all fall back, you know, on my depression. Why bother having goals that you cannot meet? What is the point?

I'm Sensitive

Sometimes people say things that they don't mean. Sometimes those things are hurtful. Sometimes those things can not be forgotten.

Forgiveness comes easily to me. There are few things in my life that I have not been able to forgive. Forgetfulness is another thing that comes very naturally to me. This is why it is easy for me to forgive; because I usually forget what it was that I was angry about. I usually forget most things. I probably did too many drugs when I was younger. So it goes.

Sometimes the things that are said cannot be unheard. I wish they could be. I wish I didn't stay angry as long as I do, but there it is. These things happen. Sometimes it just takes a little bit longer to forgive and forget, I just need a little bit of time.

Couples Time

With all of this hype around erotica lately, I have been very surprised by one thing. Women do not use sex toys as much as I thought. It seems like a lot of people are in committed relationships and feel like they do not need toys. Sure, no one needs toys, but aren't they so much fun?

I do not think people realize that adult toys and accessories can bring two people closer. EdenFantasys, which is my go to site for these things, has tons of products that can and are meant to be shared.

For instance, they have sex kits. Some are collections of oils and lotions while others are more naughty. They also have things the aid in different positions, for example shower handles. Sometimes those showers can get tricky.

One of the really nice things about shopping online is that you can read and watch video reviews in the privacy of your own home. And this is another great activity for you to do together, If nothing else, it gets you talking about what each other likes and does not like.

And promo codes. We love promo codes :) Use code XOXO and save 20% on all orders!

The Dangers of Stigma

Awareness. I think awareness is the only way to diminish the stigma associated with mental illness. Stigma can be so detrimental. Some people do not get help because they know that some people will treat them differently if they knew. They might be afraid that their family would ostracize them. They might be worried that they will lose their job if people thought they were unstable. People with mental illness should not feel ashamed because they need help. They need supportive people in their lives to help them get treatment.

I am blogging today about mental illness because today is Mental Health Month Blog Party over at the American Psychological Association. Not that I don't blog about mental health all the time - I just have a good reason to today :)

As many of you know, I suffer from clinical depression, panic disorder, and agoraphobia. I take five pills a day to combat these. I am not ashamed of my illness or of the fact that I see a psychologist and a therapist. I will tell anyone who wants to know. It wasn't always like that, though. I did not get treatment until well into my college years. My family thought there was nothing wrong with me, so I would just be a cry baby if I went to a doctor for it. I was always worried that people would assume I was crazy, when I knew I wasn't. It was difficult for me, the same that it is for millions of Americans.

There are lots of consequences of not seeking treatment. Homelessness, incarceration, episodes of violence, and suicide are just some of the major consequences. Others include loss of time at work, difficulties with relationships, and worsening of the disease. We need to help fight stigma so that these people who suffer from mental illness can seek treatment without fear of being judged.

Organizing Clutter

What are your best tips for keeping the clutter at bay with kids in the house? How do you help your kids develop good organizing skills?


I am not sure that I am a good person to answer this question. With too many people in a too small apartment, I feel like there is clutter everywhere. There is constantly a pile of papers and books that need to be gone through. I will do my best though :)


I help my child develop good organizing skills by demonstrating how I do it. I try to keep my clutter minimized and hopefully he will pick up on this as he gets older too. I keep my papers organized in folders in a file cabinet and I throw out anything that I do not need. I give away or donate things that I did not know I had and will not miss. I try to only keep a couple of papers a week that he brings home from school. I am sure that even this is more than necessary, but I think it is a good start. I recycle anything that can be.


I also have his room set up so that everything has a place. Every toy has a place with other toys that are similar. For example, all the play dough is in one basket, while Mr. Potato Head has a separate basket. He has too many toys for the size of his room, though. I have a really hard time deciding on which toys to give away. As he gets older I will involve him more in this process.


Need some advice or have some to give? Join the conversation over at Blogher. There is also a contest for an iPod and an iTunes gift certificate, all you need to do is leave a comment with your life well lived moment. The contest ends tomorrow, though, so hurry!

Closed for the Day

I am over at Circle of Moms today. Go check it out!

F is for FAT

I used to be overweight. My doctors wanted me to lose 30 pounds. It seemed like an impossible feat. Luckily (?) I get nauseated when I get stressed. One summer I was totally stressed out and did not eat much of anything. I told everyone I was fasting. You know what? It totally worked. Lost a ton of weight - over my demanding 30 lbs.

I've been easily keeping at that weight since. Well, not easily, but it has been steady. And I like it. I feel much better about myself. Sure, I would like to lose a bit more weight (who doesn't?), but generally I am okay with it.

Well, I was.

In the past week or so I have been feeling very fat. I've been pretty sure for months now that I have gained some weight, but everyone around me insists that I haven't. I don't use a scale but once a month or so when I see my parents. So, I generally don't know if I've changed weight. When I weighed myself this weekend, the number was definitely higher than before. I know it is.

I've been exercising more than I was before. I walk almost 4 miles a day. To work and back. And before the weather was nice, I was doing Tae Bo. So what the fuck? My eating habits have not changed much. I probably eat out a bit more often, but I usually try to choose the healthier option.

My mind hates me. It is mean and cruel. It wants me to feel bad about myself. Positive thinking is nothing compared to the negativity. So, am I really gaining weight? Am I really fat? Is my mind just playing tricks on me? I don't know. I'm just going to step up the exercising and the healthy eating and hope that helps.

A More Comfortable Work Space

An invention you'd like to see created.


As I mentioned on Twitter yesterday, my desk at work is freezing. I always have a hoodie on, even in the summer. I keep one handy even on the warmest of days. And the winter? Forget about it. It's time to sit here with my jacket on. Today has been, thankfully, a little warmer - only a hoodie no jacket. But still chilly.


I would love to see heated office chairs. Why do cars get a monopoly on these things? My butt needs to be warm in other situations, as well. Such as at work. I would be more inclined to, well, sit at my desk? I guess it wouldn't effect my productivity, but I think it is still a necessity. Can someone get these started for me?

Vacation

I took a vacation from work last week. I didn't go anywhere and Ryder still went to daycare. The first few days were difficult. I was very depressed and cried a lot. Therapy helped a lot, per usual. Therapy Thursdays are probably the reason that Fridays are so good.

It all started with a simple trip to the grocery store. I HATE the grocery store. I shop every other week and buy enough for two weeks so I can minimize the times I have to go. This time was particularly bad. I was buying something that I do not usually buy and couldn't find it. I was freaking out. Seriously. When I left I swore I would never go back. I went back on Thursday, though.

This triggered my depression. I didn't want to do anything. I went to visit a couple of friends and was in a bad mood. I tried to enjoy myself, but it didn't quite work as planned. This upset me even more. I love these people and love their company. What was wrong with me?

This past weekend, though, was wonderful. I went out with my Boyfriend. We dined at The Great Escape which was delicious! I got a tattoo from The Purple Scorpion - my first. We went to a dinner party and then saw Wrath of the Titans in IMAX 3D. Very cool. By Sunday I was really missing Ryder, he had vacationed at my parents house for a few nights. We met at the Red Hook Brewery for a late lunch/early dinner.

All in all, I think it was a good vacation. At least it ended on a good note.

Oh, and thank you so much for voting for my blog! I ended up 16th on the Circle of Moms Top 25 Single Moms! Thanks!

Penny's Day

List 7 things your pet thought about today. 


We are going to do something a little less serious today! Here is what Penny thought about today.

1. OMG OMG OMG THEY ARE WAKING UP!
2. Boy, it is going to be great walking down the street without my leash on. It's a good thing my Lady doesn't come outside with me.
3. Shit. Busted. She came outside.
4. Wait - where are  you going? Why can't I come?
5. It is AWESOME being home by myself!
6. OMG OMG OMG THEY ARE COMING HOME!
7. I love you so so so much. Even if you are ignoring me right now.

Bullies and Bullying

I participate in a twitter chat every Tuesday night at 9 pm. It is about mental health and social media (#mhsm). Every week they have an interesting topic such as getting enough sleep, caring for your loved ones with mental illness and bullying. This week was bullying.

When I read the first question: "Have you or your child been the target of bullies? Bullied others?" I thought that  I wouldn't have anything to relate to. I was thinking about high school and elementary school and I wasn't really bullied. Teased, sure, but not bullied. And neither has Ryder. So, I just read on.


Then people started discussing being bullied outside of school. For instance, apparently there is a lot of bullying in nursing. Then I started thinking about outside of school, which I had not before. My ex-husband was very verbally abusive. I asked "Do you think verbal abuse is bullying?" I got a bunch of affirmatives. @AspieSide said "yes I think verbal abuse is bullying. Words hurt and lower a person's self worth."  This blew my mind a little bit.


I never thought I could relate to being bullied when I lived years and years with a bully. He used to call me names, tell me I am worthless and lazy, make me feel like I deserved everything he did. He was, thankfully, never physically abusive, so I really did not think that I was being abused. Now I see that I was. It took years, but I can see that now.


Honestly, and we are being honest here, I sometimes wished he was physically abusive. Then I would have had a good reason to leave. I felt like the verbal abuse was not a good enough reason. Physical abuse is something tangible. Something that leaves marks and scars. Something that I can point to and say "That is wrong."


After this small revelation, staying involved in the chat was difficult. It made me very sad. I was sad for all the people being bullied, all the bullies, and me. Why can't we just treat everyone else with respect?

Life Well Lived: Getting Organized

How do you organize paperwork both online and off? Share your tip(s) to managing physical and digital clutter!


I get hard copies of everything - bills, receipts, etc. Then I neatly organize them. I have a wire basket for the most current things and things that need to be filed. In this basket one slot is for current bills, one is for bills I have already paid, one is for current receipts, one is for bank statements, etc. 


Once in a while, I take everything, except my current bills and file them in a filing cabinet. There are folders for everything. I try to keep things only as long as they are relevant (statements up to a year and so on) and then trash them, but I do not clean it out as often as I would like. This is probably more work than needs to be done since you can get copies of anything off of the internet, but with my history of applying for help all over the place, I have learned to keep the hard copies. It is easier to make copies that way. And I don't have a printer hooked up in the house.


I really do not get digital paperwork, but when I do, I make more little folders inside other little folders. I really love folders! I also love it when things are organized and easy to access.

Want to learn some great tips on getting your stuff organized or have some to share? Here is the main post. Come join in the conversation! And visit this post for a chance to win an iPod or an iTunes gift certificate. I already have!

It Is Nice Having a Man Around

My Boyfriend moved in with Ryder and I. And it has been going swimmily! It is great having him around all the time. Not only is he awesome, but he helps me open things, he washes dishes, he helps me with Ryder! Oh, and he helps me with rent - which really is awesome.

I love him. He is my best friend. It is great living with your best friend. I have someone to talk to most of the time, but because of work schedules, we still have some time for ourselves.

Ryder adores him. I think he is still trying to figure out that he really lives with us. He keeps telling me that he lives with us. My Bf is a good role model for Ryder - even though he didn't expect to be in such a role. Dating with a child is just so much different than dating without. Especially having the child full time. It is something I really didn't fully understand until now. But everyone around here is adjusting perfectly!

We both love him being around all the time. We both love him so much. I think the three of us will continue to be happy :)

My Abandonment

Book review time! Some people STILL read books...share one of your more recent reads and tell us what you thought!

I still read actual physical books. I know. I am old school ;) I recently read My Abandonment by Peter Rock.


The book is about a young girl who lives with her father in a cave in a nature preserve. Everything is perfect until they are found out and the father is arrested. They end up moving to a farm where the father's slowly apparent mental illness worsens. I won't spoil the rest.


This book was wonderful. The narrator is the young girl and because of her age she is very unreliable. We only see things from her point of view, which is not necessarily the whole picture. Her voice is so strong, though, that you can really picture everything that is happening. The story becomes harder and harder to put down. I strongly recommend it.

Sometimes I Wish I Wasn't a Mom

Just a small pause, really. Just a small moment where I am not a mom. I just need a minute to breathe and a minute to myself. A minute where I can go somewhere, anywhere, I wanted without having to listen to the Muppet Show for the billionth time.

We went to a grey wolf preserve this past weekend. It was great - the wolves were so cool. It was a lecture type of presentation and the information was fascinating. I could not pay attention, though. I was playing a word find with Ryder to keep him quiet. Had he started yelling and upset the wolves, I would have been mortified. So embarrassed. So I kept him quiet. And he did stay quiet - for a full 30 minutes. I was proud of him, yet after that 30 minutes, we had to get up and leave. He could not stay still any longer and he did NOT want to be there anymore.

I am not angry at Ryder in the slightest and my Boyfriend is great with helping me, but I wasn't able to enjoy the presentation because I was busy being a mom. Even if my Boyfriend had taken him, I would not be able to concentrate knowing they were not enjoying the wolves. I just need to pretend I am not a mom, once in a while.

I love being a mom, most of the time. Sometimes I hate it. Sometimes I just need a little timeout. Everyone tells me to take some time for myself, but it is so hard. I never stop thinking about Ryder, no matter where we are, no matter what we are doing. Basically, I am always a mom and there is no getting around that fact.

But if I just had a small moment...

Another Toy to Help You Relax

Do you like a high powered tingly toy? How about something small and inexpensive?

FingO mini massager

This small sex toy is made of silicone and is super easy to wash. You put your finger through the  strap on the left and it turns your finger into a high powered vibrator. You can take the blue tingly part off and just use the bullet inside.

I expected more out of this toy. I expected that the nubs would vibrate more than they do. It is also a little awkward when you put it on your finger because the strap is low. I think it would work better if the strap was a bit higher. I actually prefer to use the bullet without the blue cover. It is quite strong by itself. It is a fun product to use by yourself or with your partner. Though, I think it is way more fun with my partner. 

Eden Fantasys is a great company to buy sex toys from. Ordering is super easy and the packaging is discreet. Also on the package and on your bill is the name Web Merchants Inc. to increase your privacy.

I think this toy would be great for people who prefer smaller toys. It would be a great toy to start your collection because it is so inexpensive.

Disclosurer: I received this product free for the purpose of reviewing it. All the opinions are my own and not influenced in any way.

Top 25 Single Mom Blogs

My blog has been nominated to the Circle of Moms Top 25 Single Mom Blogs!! I just need your help. Once a day until April 18th you can vote for me! Just click the link. Thanks a bunch!! You guys rock!


Circle of Moms Top 25 Single Moms - 2012 .

Oh God Easter

Ugh. Easter used to be my favorite holiday. It was a calm and low stress holiday. Now it stresses me out.

I am not a religious person (duh) so I am not inclined to celebrate such a religious holiday. Sorry, I just don't believe in zombies. (Whoa, that was uncalled for.)

Anyways, like Christmas, it is no longer just about that, it is commercialized. So do I celebrate this nonsense, like Christmas, or can I just not? Is my kid missing out on a whole lot of fun if I do not hide eggs?

On one hand it is just some eggs but on the other it is the principle. But is it just some eggs? Once I decide to hide eggs, I have to buy candy to put in them. Then I ought to just buy a decent amount of candy. Then I ought to just go ahead and buy him an Easter basket. Then am I teaching him that it is okay to celebrate something just because everyone else is? Even if it is against your beliefs? Am I taking this all too seriously? Should I just hide the damn eggs?

Wait, if I do not let him miss out on finding eggs, don't we have to color eggs? If I am going to do it, I should probably do it right. But it comes down to this: I do not want to. I don't want anything to do with Easter. I would probably do away with Christmas if I could.

Maybe he is too young to even care.

Parenting is hard.

UPDATE: I am going to hide eggs and get some candy. It will be fun :)

Hard Day

It has been a hard day.

There seems to be more of these lately.

Happiness

This week's Life Well Lived question:


How do you teach the children in your life happiness? Please share your best tools and tips in the comments below.


I try to teach Ryder happiness by trying to be happy myself. When he does something good or makes something I am sure to shower him with compliments and encouragement. He picks up on that and says how happy he is.


I teach Ryder that if he does something, like getting dressed on his own, it will make me happy. So he learns what makes other people happy. At the same time I try to learn what makes him happy and identify it as such. 


Happiness is difficult for me because I am so unhappy a lot. Since my Boyfriend moved in, there has been a whole lot more happiness in our house :D


Here is a link to the main post - come and join the conversation! Oh, and don't forget to enter their sweepstakes. 

And Now Some Relaxation...

I am not that shy about sex. I do not mind talking about it. I have been to my share of sex toy parties. This is why when Eden Fantasys approached me to talk about their website and products I was excited.
The people at Eden Fantasys are wicked nice. They have great products - for everyone. I have the FingO mini massager and the Ben's G-Spot Smoothie. I did a review on the latter. I like them both. The massager is tickley while the smoothie hits just the right spot.

If sex toys are not your thing, they have a collection of beauty and body products (click on that link if you want to bypass the sex stuff.) They have bath and body, massage, makeup, skincare, fragrance and pheromones products. Honestly, I have not been through those sections because I am more interested in the funner stuff ;)

Eden Fantasys is a great place to buy products from. Ordering is easy and the packaging is discreet. These products are great to use as a couple. It enhances intamacy and brings you closer together. And guys love a good surprise! I really recommend Eden Fantasys and their adult toys.

I am receiving a gift certificate for this honest post.

Railroad Tracks from Hell

I am afraid of the platforms at the train station. I've been riding trains for a good portion of my life - you'd think I would be used to them by now.

I am terrified that I or someone else will fall onto them. Most platforms (all?) have a space under them that you can duck into if the train is coming, but that is no comfort to me. I still picture myself falling onto the tracks and cracking my skull open and dying.

We were at the subway station one day when Ryder was much younger and he was running around the platform. He was not listening to me so I ran over and grabbed him. There was a seeing eye dog that started growling at me. All the people were looking at me, but I didn't care. My kid was not getting hit by a train. Even if that lab attacked me.

It Happened

So, it happened. Ryder asked (sorta) about his dad. I knew the day would come, but I thought I would have longer to prepare.

We were in the middle of a crowded Christmas Tree Shop when he said "I don't have a dad."

"Well," I tried to explain, "you do have a dad you just don't know him."

"Is [your boyfriend] my dad?"

"No, he is not."

"Is he your dad?"

"No, honey, he is not a dad. He has no children."

"I want to go to Chuck E Cheese," wrapping the conversation up.

So, I know that this is only the first of many conversations like this. Hopefully they don't happen in the middle of a crowded store again. I could feel the eyes burning my flesh.

Depression and Twitter

One of the things with anxiety and depression is that they are invisible diseases. I know I walk around assuming I am the only one panicky or sullen. I feel like I am the only one around that has to pause and take some pills to help me feel centered. To help me feel normal.

According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), 1 in 10 adults report depression. That seems like a lot. I am picturing all of the people I take the train with every morning and 10% of them suffer from depression. Who knew?

The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) has a slightly smaller number. Major depression is a serious medical illness affecting 15 million American adults, or approximately 5-8 percent of the adult population in a given year. They also say 2% - 5% of Americans have panic disorder. Again, who knew?!

Now that I know I am not alone, there are some great places to meet others with the same feelings and problems. I really like Twitter for this. Facebook is too personal. I really don't want my uncle on my mother's side knowing my daily depression issues. I like Twitter better. I participate in a chat (#mhsm) every Tuesday night at 9:00 pm EST that talks about Mental Health and Social Media. You can follow @MHSMchat to stay in the loop about that. I also like searching #depression. Sometimes it is just stupid kids who are sooo depressed that there are no more Twilight movies, but a lot of the people on there have similar issues as I do. 

A few great resources are @NAMIMass, @unsuicide,  @natasha_tracy, and @bandback2gether. These help me and I hope they help you too. 

I know this post is full of links, but just try a couple first and if you like them, try the others. No rush, my Loyal Readers. 

And if you find any great resources that I haven't named, please leave them in the comments! I love looking for more support and knowing there are others like me.

Raine in "The Return of the Black Dog"

I pretty much hate everything right now. Including this blog. What did I really think I was going to accomplish by starting and maintaining some dumb blog? I don't even have a computer at home, so I can't even write when I want to. I have to wait until I have 5 minutes of downtime at work. Which has shrunk down to 2 minutes already.

I feel worthless. I want everything to change. I want to set fire to my apartment and start over. I want to stop hating myself. I would really like to stop falling into these fucking black holes. I don't know what to do about them. After all this time, you would think that I would know how to deal with them when they come, but I don't. I just want to lay in bed all day. Doing nothing. Instead, I am here, at work, doing a shit ton of stuff. Makes me cry.

It's just so hard. So hard to care.

"Black Dog" was Churchill's name for his depression, and as is true with all metaphors, it speaks volumes. The nickname implies both familiarity and an attempt at mastery, because while that dog may sink his fangs into one's person every now and then, he's still, after all, only a dog, and he can be cajoled sometimes and locked up other times.

via

Stay Or Go?

Return to work after baby was born or stay home? How did you make your decision?


I feel like I didn't have a decision, like it was made for me. Who are these people who get to stay at home? Not single mothers, that's for sure. But even when I was with my ex we couldn't have survived without my salary. I only stayed out 7 weeks because that is all I could get paid for. Hopefully next time (next time??) I will have more time saved up. I would have loved to stay at home with the babe, but I just could not afford it.

A Fine Day

I went snowboarding last week. It was a weekday, so there weren't a ton of people.

The day was beautiful. The snow was wonderful.

I might have fallen a few times.

Massachusetts has never looked so beautiful to me.

Look how wide those trails are. So much snow ready to be carved.

See that lake? That is where the water comes from when they make the snow. Fun fact.


I did not go with those people. They have no idea that I have a picture of them.


Or that it is now on the internet.


I went by myself which was actually really nice. I could go at my own pace. I could go on whatever slopes I wanted to go on. I met a few people and left when I felt like it.










I can't wait to go again.

Economic Hardship

It is really hard to qualify for any kind of economic hardship. I'm having a hard time paying my student loans so I was interested in deferring them for a bit. But they insist I make enough money to pay them. They don't know how much I pay in rent and that I am in an expensive housing area. They don't know how much I pay to daycare. They don't know how much money I spend just getting to work every day. And they don't ask. Luckily, I was able to forbear my loans for a few months. Hopefully I will be able to pay them then.

In Which Raine Fucks Up

I am sad. Again. It's been a rough couple of days here. I've been horribly busy at work then I get home and just want to lie in bed.

I feel horribly guilty because I lost (had stolen) all of the money I got from Christmas. I was supposed to put it in my vacation fund and now it is gone. Most of it was from my parents and I feel like I squandered their hard earned money. Of course I didn't really, I just irresponsibly left my purse with my coat at a New Year's party. I feel like I fucked up.

At work, I work inside a hood, it's kinda like a cabinet. Usually I sit down in front of it. Yesterday, I had to stand and I kept hitting my head on the top of it. Over and over. I got really angry and punched it. Of course that did not help, it just caused my hand to hurt a bit. Thankfully there was no one to witness my adolescent behavior.

I just want to stay home and sleep, but I am too busy to do that. Maybe I will anyways.

Tell us about something you punched.